Reddit, what's the worst thing you can say to parents who have just had a child?

'I know how you feel/I understand how you're feeling.' If you haven't lost a child, that is.

No.

You don't. You can't understand the pain and the loss and the shock and the grief and all consuming hopelessness. I will never understand it but I watched my mother go through it. I don't know how it would feel to wonder whether my child would have gone to university or liked the dog we got or how they'd have chosen to decorate the room when they're a teen and so on. My mum would have panic attacks. She once told me that every single moment of celebration she's always aware that my brother should be there too, that there's someone missing- that the family isn't complete. It overshadowed everything.

Also, don't avoid the child. Talk about their child with name.

Remember the birthday. Remember the day they died. Send a birthday card for the birthday, flowers and words of remembrance on the day they died. If those are the same day, both. Do it for as long as possible. The grief is raw and painful forever. I have no doubt that my mother will be in her 90s and still be weighed down and feeling like her heart was torn out. It doesn't stop. It can be exhausting, so don't stress yourself or damage your mental health over trying to be supportive, but showing you are aware that they will grieve forever and also show that you will remember the child and their life forever will help.

I know this was one of the few things which could make the anniversaries a bit brighter- because not only had my sister died, but she seemed to have disappeared from the universe. People hadn't forgotten, they just didn't talk about her. Knowing that people remembered her life, remembered her, recognised how our grief and loss would be forever helped her (and us) a lot. Talking about memories you have of the child would be nice. But also upsetting.

If they cry, it can be off putting. If they tell you not to, then obviously heed what they want, but my very limited experience is that my mother lived for the moments when people acknowledged my sister's life but it was also very painful.

/r/AskReddit Thread