This was my parents. I only recently in my life have gotten married and started contemplating children at 35. It took me over a decade and a half of soul searching to sort myself out and I'm not done. I very nearly (or maybe I have, time will tell) missed the clock on having my own children. I don't speak with any of my family, especially my mother.

No doubt many of my traumas come from more than just the dynamic between my parents, but I do know that neither of them were happy. My father committed suicide after they finally divorced. He expressed to me often how unloved and empty he felt, and even after he died my mom took the life insurance money and wanted to have his remains left with the cremation service to "do whatever with". He was a paycheque to her.

I still have to work every day to change my mindset. It's hard to believe that a normal, happy family and marriage is a possible reality and not just a fairytale. I went through much of my life believing real love was bullshit. I am lucky to be where I am now, with the man I am married to. I just hope that I am whole enough to be a good mother to my kids, also.

I think seeing my parents in loving relationships, or none at all, would have been a healthier dynamic for me. Most certainly.