I went to college very far away from home. I didn’t know a single person at my college and to be honest, I was scared that I would be alone all year. My second day at on the campus, I met this girl named Jane. She was quiet but when she did speak, it was in this wonderful slight British accent. She had long red hair that went everywhere and she always had this smug sort of smile, like she knew exactly what was going on inside your head.
She lived down the hall from me and so every once in a while, we would talk. She was a sophomore and so eventually I started making up excuses to talk her, asking where this building was when I had already been there like twenty times.
One night, after getting back late to a party, I asked her if she wanted to hang out for a little bit longer. She smiled and closed eyes for a second, and said, “I would love to”. We laid ono her bed for hours talking about our lives, our fears, our passions. She laughed at every stupid joke I told and listen carefully to everything I would say, not matter how boring or stupid it sounded. And when she talked, oh man, god, she had the most amazing way of just transferring her soul to me. I don’t even know how I can explain it, I would just close my eyes and listen.
I started taking her rock climbing, something that I love to do, and she always pretend that she loved it, even though I could tell she’d much rather be reading one of her many books she had stashed throughout her room. In exchange for rock climbing, she started telling me that “I just had to read this book.” And I’ll be damned if I didn’t read every single book she every asked me too.
We began to see each other all time. I would lurk into her room and talk for hours until both of us fell asleep on her bed. Nothing ever happened, but I never wanted it to. And it wasn’t as though she wasn’t gorgeous, I just felt like I didn’t want anything to happen yet for someone reason.
You know looking back on it you’re pretty dumb when you’re a freshman. I had never experienced love and so when I first felt it, I didn’t recognize it.
Everything seemed to be going great with and her. We made each other laugh constantly and we built web of inside jokes. We had this thing, whenever a flashlight came up in conversation, we both lost it and began laughing hysterically which annoyed the hell out of all our friends. And then one night she texted me something seemingly really random.
“Our relationship... I mean all of our time...I think sometimes I get carried away in you, but don't feel the same about me. I just want to make sure, I mean, you haven’t just been humoring me, have you? ”
I didn’t understand. I don’t know why, but I didn’t get it. I said of course not, and that she the most wonderful friend I’d ever made. I told her we would always remain friends. I just didn’t realize what was happening.
After that, she stopped talking to me. She wasn’t rude or anything but she always seemed as though she didn’t want anything to do with me. I started noticing that she making a conscious effort to avoid me. I tried to reconnect with her but she was different. She didn’t have that same smile. She didn’t laugh, she nodded politely and faked a smile when I told a joke but it just wasn’t right.
Eventually, I got the message and gave up on maintain our relationship.
I can’t really describe the feeling but as our relationship slowly faded, I started missing her, more and more. I couldn’t understand why, but I just missed her so so much. Months went by and I became miserable without her. I wondered for ages what I had done to make her so upset with me. Why had she just decided to cut me out of her life? Did I hurt her? I wanted to apologize and make everything go back to the way it was but I… I…. I just didn’t know what to apologize for.
One day, I was hanging out with some friends on our big plaza. We were just chilling, talking about climbing or something when Jane passed by, one of my friends who was also friends with Jane called her over to ask her about an assignment for class. She talked to my friend for a while and was about to walk away she accidentally made eye contact with me. It was so awkward but I wanted to say something so badly, so I did.
“So I got a new flashlight… It’s pretty fantastic.” I expected her to laugh like she always did at our ridiculous flashlight jokes but instead, she just sort of looked at me and said,
“What? Wait what about a flashlight…?”
“You don’t remember our old joke?”
“Oh yah… right of course.” And then she walked off solemnly. And I can’t believe I did this but I, I mean I just broke down and started to cry. I walked away from my friends so they wouldn’t see but I was crying and I couldn’t understand why.
And then somewhere in my horribly stupid mind it hit me
I was in love with her.
100% head over heels in love with this girl.
One of my friends walked over to see if I was ok, and I tried to play it off. But my friend persisted, “Look dude, you just started crying out of nowhere. I’ve never seen you cry and you’re going to sit here and tell me you just started breaking up over nothing? Bullshit dude. What’s going man?”
And so I told him. Everything. And he sat and listened to my pathetic story quietly and when I finished, he just shook his head. “Man… you know she loved you too, right? Yah, I mean she fell for you as well, but she moved on because she thought you were only interested in being friends, and that killed her.”
I didn’t even know what to say. I was angry but I realize, holy shit, I have to tell her. I have to tell her everything.
I was getting up to leave when my friend stopped me. “Look, I know what you’re about to do, but listen man, you need to sit back down. Listen to me… she found someone else dude. I’m so so sorry. She’s been dating him for a while and she’s really happy. She really moved on.”
A year later and nothing’s changed. I haven’t talked to her since but I still love her just as much as I did when we met. She’s still dating the same guy and they’ve got a wonderful relationship. I still feel incredible pain everyday thinking about her. I haven’t gone on a single date despite multiple people expressing interest. I haven’t moved on.
I don’t know how, I just don’t know.