When I shared my experience with a sexy transvestite
I was 17 at the time, and hesitant about trying my luck on Bourbon Street. I gathered up $500 and gave it go, though. Not a single bar ID'd me. I went to every single bar, and left without a dollar in my pocket. IIRC, the layout is that the straight bars are on one end, and the gay bars are on the other. As my group was making it's way down the line of bars, drinking Hand Grenades like they were water, we obviously got pretty hammered.
At one point, I managed to get into the back, closed-off, section of a club. It was completely pitch-black, but I was trying to find a pisser. I couldn't find a bathroom, so I found my friends again and we moved on. About four or five bars later, I realized that I had lost my phone (at the time, belt-clips were still cool, and it had popped out of the holster). Surprisingly, I was able to drunkenly back-trace my steps and find my phone in the pitch-black section of that club.
Anyhow, we got back on track, and kept going down the circuit. Finally, we find ourselves in front of a gay bar. Too drunk to stand, and not wanting to pay a cover just to have a dick shoved in my face, I pass out on the sidewalk out front as everyone else goes inside. I wake some time later to a couple of Asian tourists (complete with visors, fanny packs, et al) leaning over me, taking pictures while exclaiming that they'd never seen a "real-life drunkard" before. I limply pose with them for several minutes before my friends come out and gather me up.
We decide to call it a night and head back to our hotel room (just one block away). My friends had to help me to my feet, and support me as we made our way. I could barely put one foot in front of the other, so I was pretty intently focused on the ground in front of me.
We didn't make it fifty feet before my eyes happened upon a couple of high-heeled Stiletto type shoes. "Damn," I thought. They were red, and made the long, luxurious legs they were attached to look amazing. I stopped walking immediately and allowed my eyes to wander higher. They briefly paused at one of the shortest, tightest mini-skirts I've ever seen. "DAMN," I say quietly to myself. Obviously, my next visual stop were the breasts, and may I be struck by lightning if they weren't some of the perkiest, most plump and delicious looking breasts I've ever laid eyes on. "G'DAMN!" I exclaimed. I couldn't wait to see this fine lady's face. Was she going to be as amazing as the rest of her? Was she going to be a but-her-face? A twenty-footer?
I was hard with anticipation. When my eyes finally finished their journey, they came to a rest on a full beard. A full. fucking. beard. "GODAMNIT, MAN!" I yelled at him.
He smiled coyly. I couldn't help but admit to him that he was probably the most attractive man I've ever seen in my life. That made things a little better, I guess.
After that, we left Bourbon Street without further incident, and made it safely back to the hotel room, whereupon I pissed into the window A/C unit. Seemed like a good idea at the time considering one of the ladies in the group was either passed out or actively puking behind the locked bathroom door. When we all woke the following morning, covered in a smelly, slightly slimy paste, I opted not to inform them of my blunder.