I've had depression since I was a boy, I'm now 33 and on medication and although my moods have levelled out it hasent changed how I fundamentally feel.
Since I can remember ive felt like im on the wrong planet, that's the best way to describe it. Homesick almost. I can't stand being around people for too long because I feel drained. I pretend to be the person I think they want me to be and I've been a master at it for 20 years, but now it's just exhausting and I don't have the energy anymore. Even around my parents.
I don't feel like im a part of your species and I never have. I feel like im on the wrong planet and waiting to go home, I know that sounds weird but that's the best way I can put it.
Sometimes I watch humans just walking or going about their daily activities and I wonder how the fuck they can be so content doing these menial things that don't amount to anything. How can people not be utterly crushed by the fact that they are tiny momentary specs in an infinite universe where they don't mean anything. I just don't understand humans at all. I don't think I can even feel the same emotions as humans do.
I've wanted to end my life for quite a few years and not too long ago I was ready and had set my affairs in order. But I saw a documentary about how suicide is selfish even though I feel like I want nothing more, I feel like just the idea of it has me feeling like a kid at Christmas. But that stupid documentary made me feel selfish.
I just want to go home.