I'm a Dean's list student, former professional ghostwriter, professional photographer, mechanic, extraordinarily versitile construction worker, and current associate editor at a start up magazine focusing on issues that affect the black community. I am white. I have been laid off four times in two years, I have had wages stolen from me at nearly every employer I've ever worked for over the course of my life. My current employer is behind 4+ biweekly pay periods for a hysterically small paycheck.

I was regulaly beaten and severely psychologically abused by an alcoholic ex-Army Ranger, on a pretty much bi weekly basis from about the age of five to sixteen. When I make a mistake in anything I'm doing, the voice in my head offering criticism is me echoing the things my father said to put me down as a kid.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD, and can't seem to establish any kind of romantic relationship, despite being extremly sensitive and loving, a great cook, and a musician of nearly 18 years. I am riddled with insecuriteis I cannot overcome. My entire life feels like it's been nothing but people I love dying, and not being good enough for anyone else.

I am nearing thirty. I recently had to move back in with my parents after the layoffs.

I have been thinking about suicide daily for almost over a year. Not because of a mood disorder, but simply because there is zero indication my life is going to get any better. I am sincerely and deeply loved by literally everyone who knows me, and by most of the people who've met me. I don't know how to break it to them that I'm tired of being poor, alone, and without future prospects. I genuinely want to leave as politely and as soon as I can, but I don't know how to do it in a way that fuck up other peoples lives and I don't want to hurt people on the way out.

Don't send me the suicide hotline number. I'm well aware of what it is, and I don't need it. I've been living like this for well over a year maybe more if your count the shit I ignored as an adolescent. Im not going to do anything in the near future, as it would hurt and inconvenience way too many people. But provided my circumstances stay the same, as soon as it won't be an inconvenience to anyone important, I intend to leave.