3. Redditors who haven't found the right place to post your story, what is it?

Redditors who haven't found the right place to post your story, what is it?

After an incredibly rough childhood I had the best year of my life leading into 2013, which was going into my senior year. All through that summer was the first time I was actually, truly happy…and then in October of that year I started having health problems and everything's devolved ever since. I've just been diagnosed (finally) and it's early onset MS and I currently don't have use of my legs and most of my upper body strength and abilities are just gone. Even eating and talking are strenuous and tiring.

I told my therapist I'm going to kill myself but we've been through this at least once a year since I was twelve (with and without attempts) and I sort of didn't even need to assure I don't have the physical strength to do it. But I'm hoarding the pills I'm not popping or crushing and at this point I don't know what's stopping me. I've just come to believe some people are meant to be lightning rods for the shitty stuff to happen so it doesn't fall on someone better but I can't accept that role. My Olympic dreams are crushed. The girl I love will never take me like this. I had independence when it was forced on me and now I feel like a child again and I fantasize about ripping myself out of my skin. Lately my dreams have devolved into big theatrical suicides and horrible, just horrible things I can't even say anonymously. Everyone around me would be off for the better without this and I can't break my family or friends hearts anymore. I tell them all the time I just want them to be happy but I can't hear the lies anymore. Sometimes the only competing thing is reminding myself I'm just a few handfuls of pills away, just a few handfuls and now I'm at the point of setting a date and just doing it. I'm in chronic pain, I can't do anything for myself, I have no education past high school and no way to afford it if I could even get there. The effects of this disease on my brain and body have robbed me of my equestrian career, my writing ability, my art, and the rest of my life. I can't be bedridden like this anymore and I feel my skin physically CRAWLING with need to just end this once and for all. The money belongs somewhere better and I just need the people around me to be happy.

Not sure why I wanted to say anything before I go but I guess it feels ok letting randos know. I think I'm just scared.

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