Oh I think this thread is what I needed to read. Anyway, time to get a little personal.

I was with my ex for roughly two and a half years. Over the course of that time period, I saw him go from seeing gold when I walk in a room - to not even seeing one ounce of love for me in his eyes. I became an obligation to him. I was always scared to communicate, so I waited for what seemed like the inevitable.

In terms of coping..you know..just because you're prepared for something doesn't mean it will hurt less when it happens. When we broke up, I held it together in front of him as I do with everybody in my life. but trust me when I went from smiling in his car and saying goodbye to hyperventilating on my couch in a matter of minutes. although I felt him slip away for months, this was it. And it didn't even feel like it was it, because we barely spoke as it is.

How could I mourn the loss of someone who didn't even feel gone because they were already long gone?

So I went on a date with another guy. Somebody who treated me really good. We shared a lot of interests and always had fun when we spoke, so why not, right? I thought "well, maybe it's ok to get involved with somebody since my ex was already telling me how he wanted to fuck people".

then my ex started asking for me back.

I loved him to death. He was all I thought about. but I knew I couldn't go back because nothing scares me more than watching somebody lose their feelings for me again. I would have dreams of waking up at his house. I would think about how he was all I thought about, and he couldn't give me any time of his day except at 3am. I always felt so worthless. So to hear him say he loved me and he would wait forever got me angry. It deepened my worst insecurities. I felt worthless in our last few months. I kept thinking "if I go back, I know what the future holds for me. He couldn't even listen to the shit I said. I couldn't even hold a conversation with him. This is not the future I want".

Eventually, he stopped asking. But I thought about him every single day. Some days were better than others. new man and I broke up.

I'm not sure if I have any regrets besides not communicating. But I honestly feel like communication might not even have saved us at the point we were. We had run our course and I was too busy wondering how to put together the broken glass.

I would never wish this pain on anybody. I'm good at coping for show. I'm good at telling myself I'm alright. I like to make the pain less for people when they break up with me. I want to give them the respect they should have without feeling pressured to stay. but just because I'm good at living without someone and accepting things the way they are, doesn't mean I'm not torn up about it. I had to constantly be around my friends the first week just so I wouldn't cry.

I could tell you that it's the end of our story. But it's not. My ex and I began talking again almost a year later. Just talking and walking in the park because I was scared to do anything but that. I didn't want to be vulnerable again. I guess we're taking it slow now. Trust me when I say I have doubts. I must sound neurotic with the amount of times I ask him if he's okay with us. Because I don't want to go through it again. To me, this is it. Theres no more after this. I don't have the strength to try one more time if this goes wrong. My love never stopped for him for the past four years.

I don't know what you want to do. Sometimes people turn around and realize they are losing something good. Sometimes people realize that when its too late. and other times, shit just ends and that's that. I didn't wait for my ex to come back. I just continued my life the way it was before him because that's all you can do. Just live and treat yourself well. Don't let yourself be alone. Hang out with friends and learn to love yourself just as much as you love them. The pain gets easier. I guess my point is you never know what the future holds. Your paths might cross again, they might not. It's life.

I'm probably gonna highly edit or delete this post as I'm sure many people I know creep on my reddit lol.