I'm gonna get this out as a kind of self-care here guys, it's pretty brutal. You have been warned.

My first day of secondary school was all inductions, meeting teachers and getting used to our new classmates. The second day started with an assembly then straight into regular classes.

I'm up and ready for my second day of school super early and I'm actually quite lamely proud of how smart I look in that school boy way, got the tie and blazer as I'm from the UK. Get on the bus (public transport no school bus) and we're about half way there when there's this sudden brake and a smash. Look forward to see the front of the bus has hit the rear of the same type of bus in front. The engine stops and I can hear this like loud wind like whistle. The engine starts again and the driver comes over the tannoy and says something like "Everybody off, there's been a bad accident in front we're not moving anytime soon". So we get off.

I cannot describe the adrenaline or sheer vortex of negative emotions I feel as I realise that the wind like whistle is a woman wailing. That kind of wailing that makes every neuron in your body go FUCK. NO. Her primary school ages son had veered into the road and been minced partially around the wheel of the bus in front. He was litterally a mess of bones and blood and the worst fucking thing that still haunts my mind, is that his head was mostly okay, and his lips and eyes were focused straight on his mother while audable red bubbles gargled from tears in his neck.

We, mostly school children, walked past like a funeral parade. There was a girls school up ahead and so the bus was mostly school girls and many were crying, I'm pretty sure one just passed out. No one said anything. Litterally the only thing I heard said was when I turned to one of the girls next to me and just said "That was really rough". She just nodded at me.

I got to school so late it was mid assembly. I was walked out in front of hundreds of students and made an example of and in all my long history of getting in trouble at school I have never cared less about anything. Not 1 thought crossed my mind, all I could do is focus on not thinking about anything. I never told the teachers and took the detention. I couldn't bring myself to bring it up.

Only every told close friends and family that before and it hurts me to think about it still. His last moments are beyond comprehention to contemplate. Probably contributed to my abbysmal mental health.