I am very late to this thread. I just want to share two pieces of advice people have given to me.

The first is “everyone has something.” Someone I respect a lot shared that with me. She elaborated that everyone has challenges, and those struggles are not always visible or obvious. That advice changed the way I related to others. I started looking for clues and treating people with more grace. Someone holding up the line? No big deal, they might be struggling with counting out cash today. Not their fault, it’s just their struggle. Someone stumbling over words while reading aloud? No worries, that’s just the way the brain works today. Someone who seems perfect and normal now probably isn’t always. Having worked in the medical field for years now, this advice has been solid. When you take medical histories, you learn that almost everyone has a challenge, disability, or lifelong condition. Many feel stigma, and do not discuss certain challenges openly. Things like adhd, autism, or learning disabilities- and also reproductive challenges, mental health, and addiction. I was given this piece of advice in my twenties, and it has changed my life.

The second piece of advice is “there are different kinds of intelligence.” My life partner, now disceased, told my mother this after she met him for the first time. Life partner had servere dyslexia, and couldn’t read well. While books were a challenge for him, he was an athlete. He ranked in the top ten globally for his sport. Covers of magazines, in films. He developed and processed his thoughts in art: he drew and painted complex paintings full of sophisticated imagery. He had many friends and was well loved. His brain processed letters differently, he was labeled academically as “special needs.” My Mother went to a university that is in the top 10 nationally for academia on a scholarship after just two years of high school. She had her own set of challenges, like poorly developed impulse control. I went to ten different schools in as many years. My mother could explain how a lightbulb work to a 6 year old, but she could not pull it together to give her children stability. She can be charming and intelligent, and she can also be completely socially inept. She has no retirement, a string of bankruptcies, student loans for an advanced degree still, and has recently retired due to physical disability. Both of them love books, one just have shelves of art books and the other books filled with words. My mother’s biggest challenge is that she cannot see the value of different types of intelligence. She said many hurtful things to my partner, and finally he just said, “there are different kinds of intelligence.” Later, alone, he told me how much it hurt to be treated “like a second class citizen” by my mother.

They were very well recognized professionally. Both at the far end of success in bell curve in their careers. However, if they had switched places in their chosen professions, neither would have lasted ten minutes.

I am not perfect. I have struggles. I have tried to become aware of my challenges and overcome them. I am now happily married to someone not mentioned above. The best part about this relationship is that our differences balance each other out, our individual strengths and weaknesses are complimentary. He is good with money in the short term, I am good with it in the long term. I am adventurous, he is safe. And so on. I have to work to keep my secret challenges manageable, as does he. Medication, professional or social support, checks and balances. We support each other, and love each other, and see the best in each other. It all works out. No one is perfect, everyone has something. Some people are describing really painful upbringings. And I am sorry you experienced that. It’s not ok, and you aren’t alone.

TLDR: everyone has a unique set of challenges and gifts. Develop your gifts, cope with your struggles as best you can. Don’t be scared to ask for help, or to help a brother or sister out.