Redittors whom are feeling defeated today. What is your story?

Everyone for the past few months has told me the same thing. And I know they’re attempting to rid me of any lingering concerns that the breakup was my fault or whatever and they mean well, but everyone has said to me in almost the same words every time, that I was the one thing keeping him together. That I was the only thing that could keep him grounded, and I was the only reason he had to be sober. So me leaving him took that away, meaning me leaving caused this downward spiral. I’m the reason he’s lost control because I was the only reason he had control for the past 4 years. So now that he’s a fucking walking cocktail of cocaine, Jack Daniel's, Xanax and morphine—which is a hop skip away from heroin, which he’s probably used considering the morphine dealer was arrested—I’m expecting any day a phone call from someone that he’s overdosed. I’ve been expecting it for weeks and I speak about it bluntly because it’s torn through me to a side where I’m so scared that I'm void of feeling. And when it happens, I will not be able to rid myself of guilt. Like everyone has said, it was me that kept him together, it was me that left him and inspired this bender, and it will be me that carries the weight of his death when it inevitably happens. I have moved on from the relationship, it died in 2015 and I live an entire different life now that is quite wonderful. He tries to have mutual friends pass along messages but I’ve made clear I couldn’t care less about his thoughts/ feelings /life plans. But damnit he is a human being with a family and I will hate myself if I have to live with his OD on my conscious. That is not a poem I ever want to write. Today I feel defeated because last night I had a dream that he died, and in it, I wasn’t even slightly surprised.

/r/AskReddit Thread