Regular Check-In, plus FYI about why we don't allow "I'm here to help" posts.

I'm so lonely and depressed. I don't have any friends, only acquaintances and they aren't really dying to hang out with me. I'm the outcast at work, it's a really mean, cliquey younger group and they all hate me. I'm not being bullied as badly as before, but I'm completely broken. No self esteem. I'm "dating" a guy who uses me for sex, he doesn't consider me good enough to be his girlfriend. 8 months and we've never slept in the same bed. He basically kicks me out after sex. I stopped taking the pill, not to trap him, I have money, I just think a child would bring me some joy. I'm running out of eggs anyway, this is my last chance. And I know how fucked up that is. I'm estranged from my family. They are not good people. I see them a few times a year but I can't call them for support, we just aren't close. They are loud, sarcastic, obnoxious, and just unpleasant to be around. It's embarrassing to not have anyone to call when you get a flat tire, etc. I got locked out of my apartment the other day. I went to the security booth to see if they could help. The woman sort of scolded me "well isn't your husband home?" Like anyone would marry me. I'll never have a wedding. Who would I invite anyway? I won't kill myself, but this is no way to live. No one would want this life. I'm tormented by this life. I've been trying to find a psychiatrist/counselor to talk to for almost 20 years. I've never found anyone who I feel actually gave a shit about me or helped. The last guy I went to....I wanted to appear normal. I brushed my hair, put on a nice shirt, tried to hold it together. He did a quick evaluation and decided I have nothing to be depressed about. I'm a catch. I have a good job. I look normal. He asked me if I was a cheerleader when I was younger. Seriously? In high school I was doing drugs....snorting lines off the floor of a Burger King bathroom. Dropping acid alone in a holiday inn in the city. Fucking any guy who would give me attention. I've tried so many medications. The ones that worked, well I couldn't tolerate the side effects. I made the mistake of telling one person I tried meds, then had to stop because of the unbearable side effects. Now she tells everyone I'm anti-medication. I think she's angry because she takes an antidepressant and for some reason she's really bitter I'm not taking one. Jesus I'm desperate for a pill that could help. The doctors tell me to exercise. They don't understand that all my spare time is spent laying on my couch. I'm too depressed to get up. So here I am. Finally not poor. I like my job but my manager is a nightmare. Cruel. Gossips about me. Fucks me over. Coworkers are mean. They exclude me. Look away when I walk in. I don't think I'm a terrible person, it used to be a better place to work, I had a lot of friends, but there was a big turnover and somehow I became the outcast. I've been looking for another job for years. 5+ failed interviews. I'm bad at interviews. I get nervous. But I'm a good worker. I need to get away from this place. These awful people. This guy that treats me like dirt and makes me feel fat and ugly. I want to be married. Have a family, a home. A yard, a garden, chickens, rabbits. Go on vacations to the mountains. I like the trees, I like swimming, I like Disneyland. I can't even imagine feeling joy anymore. Everyone at work is noticing I'm "overdue" for a vacation. Like I have anyone to go on vacation with. The last 2 trips with girls have been a complete disaster. I'm not doing that again. I just need one person in my life, one friend. I want someone to hug me and give a shit. Jesus this is rambling. Sorry there's so much more, some I'll never tell anyone. I'm hurting. Thanks for listening.

/r/depression Thread