I'm glad I could inspire you to play the drums again. I hope you did enjoy it a bit. When I read this, it gave me really some joy! But don't feel bad if you didn't do it ;)
All these responsibilities are simply overwhelming to me. Being responsible for myself, paying for everything myself-it all freaks me out. Last week I went to the doctor and he wanted to know what could help me to improve my situation. Since I receive benefits, people want to know. In other words, they want to know how they "can help me" to work again. I feel like that's all that ever counts. Fix you up to function. So I'm losing trust in the health system, and I start to wonder if I should just give them the finger and tell them to keep their damned benefits, since they ask for something in return. Soon, they will check me more closely and then decide if I'm capable to work or not. The whole situation creates pressure and the last couple days have been very bad. It always worsens once anyone demands anything of me...I wanted to write something nice to you, but that's how it is at the moment.
I did some proactive things looking for little opportunities to make some money on the side-in my pace. So I guess I should feel good about that but still every thing I do scares me. It's really miserable. Even running didn't help. And my knee starts to hurt again since I ran a little too much already.
Like you, I feel very alone and I stopped talking to anyone about my issues. I might even appear quite content and happy on the outside. I wonder if my parents even have the slightest idea of how bad I feel. I gave up on all friends. Either they couldn't understand me or they somehow enjoyed to see me struggling. Like they have issues too, "but look at that guy, he's even worse than me". So I shut the door to everyone, even my brother. It's all superficial now, small talk, no emotional understanding at all. It's like I'm on a different plane now forever and they won't have access to me ever again. So like you, I'm somewhat forced to suffer in private. Also, I'm ashamed to show my true feelings AND I don't trust anyone anymore, since even family members unintentionally made fun of my feelings. The most hurtful experience.
I never was interested too much in other people, and I believe this is part of the reason why this feels so forced and wrong-it's just not me! I'm not a people person, nor a team player, but doctors and society want to make me one!! And just because I'm happy doing my creative stuff alone and so on and having only very few friends and just a partner maybe- does that make me ill? No! But still I'm forced to do things totally contrary to my nature! Torture! It's not that I dislike people in general, but forced work environments and pretending has become my red line now. I feel my inner door shut tight for good when it comes to pretending...Actually, I need to think about this pretending-thing more the next days. Cause I did this too, especially early in school-to avoid getting in trouble. That's where this behaviour must have started.
Like you I live at home with my parents like the forever kid. I wanted to move out for years, but couldn't because I'm not able to carry my own weight. Or possibly I'm simply to scared and freak out by the thought of it. I can't tell for sure. When I had my office job I could have done it but never did. I looked for apartments, but none appealed to me. I guess I feel trapped as soon I have to pay for anything more than $50-100 a month. I even thought about selling everything and even donating all my money. Everything seems like a burden. It's funny.
God, I'm so sorry for this long text and possibly unstructured ramblings. Writing with you definitely feels good. It's nice to know someone else understands and to not be alone in this.