Bit of a vent here but god fucking damn it when certain people make it sound like depression is a character defect or some sort of personality disorder. And life isn't a game that you've won at because you're rich or successful or went to a good university you silly dingus.
Right now I honestly don't understand how I could 'reach out to anyone' or how that would help. In my head I'm reliving all the moments where I've been authentic to people and they've rejected me and I feel so unlovable and disgusting and wretched. Everything is fake and ugly and empty and no distraction works. I found a series I'm watching and I hate myself for it. I've been trying to read and keep blue light exposure low (lol because I'm now deathly paranoid about premature aging, haha so fun) and it feels like I'm undoing all that effort now. I'm not even invested in it, it's background noise. I can't shut it off. I read self-care advice and all it does is send me into this huge irritability fit where I feel like peeling my skin off.