Been relapsing into a prolonged period that I've been trying to fight by just staying afloat at work (am a first-year teacher and head of a program at the school), but it's been an incredibly difficult time more so than the previous six months.
Work feels like I'm grinning and bearing it without the internal reward (I do love my job, truly) and my downtime is completely unproductive and filled with thoughts of anxiety and emotionally self-inflicting nature. Every mistake I make this past month is exponentially enlarged in my mind tenfold and I feel the negativity to a profound degree to the point that I'm back to lashing out in spurts of anger as a response. Not great.
Been wondering how much the experience is enhanced by the seasonal winter effect as well as the tacked-on Covid problems over the past month, but I know it also has something to do with how well I handled the beginning of the school year at my new job with aplomb and focus. Now that I've edged off the pressure on myself a little bit, the over-confidence set me up for a few slip ups beginning of this year that have made me spiral back into my old depressive habits quickly.