By the way, OP, in case you’re curious. I’m having good days and bad days after finding this out (awhile ago). Some days I think I’m a psychopath myself for the way I can carry on, have sex with my husband and mean it, Praise him for doing things with the kids, even though it’s not much. Throw him little bones because he works so hard and such long days, right? Then, there are the bad days . I know I am just in denial, could he really be such such a sleazeball? Prostitutes and strippers for God’s sake. So I am spacey all day because I’m in such a depressed funk. I’ve tried Zoloft and marijuana. Maybe I should start drinking a lot to punish him. He drinks wayyyy too much. I scoff at myself because I never did some of these things until I was a mom and all these years later, so it’s almost funny. It depresses me more. I feel like I’m becoming a bad mom. But no. It’s because my husband is a sleazeball. He put us here. So chin up, I can and will be better than him. But I give into the depression and am lazy and pissed and depressed more and more days, I don’t get dinner together and he gives me a hard time for it. I can feel his superiority and how he thinks, damn , why can’t she get it together. After all I do for our family. Well, I’d rather be poor. I don’t respect you anymore. That’s the problem, dumbass. You think i don’t know, of course you think that. You think you are invincible. I don’t put on make-up as much, I shower less. He thinks I’m just getting comfortable, I’m so spoiled and lazy right?. I spend this particular bad day writing crazy things on reddit and I drive to go pick up our son and I’m so distracted I wonder if I’ll get in a wreck. Hmm. What would that be like for him? Would he be sad, relieved. Shit, am I now suicidal because of him? But it’s not even out in the open. I just only have my suspicions, right. Well I also have some damning evidence. But denial. He dishes it, I go along with it. Isn’t denial the first stage of grief? Then what’s next.. The anger. I judge his body more and more, I never used to give him any comments for getting fat because I actually didn’t care that much. But now, I want to hurt him. By the way, how would you react if I paid to BE with a super attractive man? Let this man put his dick in me. Kissed his body and give him my body? I now think about certain men while having sex with my husband, I actually started this practice this as an experiment. The revenge feels good. Fuck you fuck you fuck you, I think as we are having sex. Because I haven’t come close to doing what you’ve done! This man I am thinking of ..we’ll I pick out random ones. He’s more attractive than you and younger and is probably a good man. I’ve looked him up on Facebook after all. I know to delete my browsing history just like you do. Anyway this guy, he has never been married. Maybe he could be be my perfect future husband. Maybe I’ll start with an emotional affair? But no, I’m letting my husband do this to me. And most importantly I WONT do it to our kids. I don’t have it in me anyway. But I’d be good at hiding it and he has set the game rules, right? Hmm. Well my defense and possible child custody trial would be affected. Am I now thinking these things because i enjoy daydreaming about another life or because I might do it. Ugh, scary. Time to get out. I won’t be that person. I will wait until I have evidence. Well harder evidence. Damn, I’m not even kidding myself. So I have been good, I continue to punish him by criticizing his body, his personality , his sex , his everything in my head. I tell some of our mutual friends. I think of the day I can tell everyone, especially his family. It will give me so much satisfaction. But wow, I am turning into a shell of the person that I used to be. Our poor kids. Yesterday, the kids and I had such a good day, I am so proud of their reading and how far they’ve come along I’m so many things. We played board games and laughed and I am a good mom because I know that all any kid wants is time and attention from their parents. But I am a bad mom today because what you have done is consuming me. Our little boy is quiet when I’m quiet and goes to watch tv when I’m in this mood. He knows mommy is sad. So maybe I’m ready to blow it all up. I’ve spent too much time on this now.