I don't get people. And being the asocial nerd that I am, it's not particularly strange. You think you have them more or less figured out, start fitting into the society, follow the patterns you've observed, and then they pull some shit that would leave Sigmund Freud scratching his head. But I still try. I have forced my self, over and over, to participate in social situations, since I've got tired being a shut in. I attend meetups, pull on a happy face at work and chant "morning, how was your weekend" every week, like anyone actually cares about that, but unsurprisingly it feels fake.
That's what you become when you've been bullied as a child. You can't connect with people. It just feels forced and unnatural. I try studying how others socialize and follow that, but obviously you can't just fit into someone else's shoes. Whenever people talk to me, I immediately start thinking "okay, you are acting normal for once. Start by small talk. Respond. Smile". It feels like I'm controlling a robot that is my body. It's not natural. Too much self-awareness.
So I keep on trying. The hardest part is to forget my issues and stop analyzing my self, just to relax. Could never really do that, although I think I am getting a bit better as I attend more and more social gatherings. I still don't have any close friends, or get invited anywhere, but baby steps, eh? Fake it till you make it.
I've taken up some hobbies to make my self a more interesting person, started working out, doing some sports. Paid attention to my clothing, so I no longer looked as if my mom was dressing me, because her taste is still stuck in the 90s (no offense mom, love you). You know, to become a more interesting and better person, to develop my self. But nothing fucking helps, because you still feel lonely and isolated. If only I could find someone to share my ideas, interests and passion with.
So I decided to try online dating, since I don't have many friends or meet a lot of people through my job. Although decent looking, it is so freaking humiliating as a guy. I guess unless you look like Joseph Gordon-Levitt you might as well give it all up and order escort. I got a few dates, but it didn't really turn into anything serious. So I decided to try Tinder, since it seems that's where all the people are nowadays. Although it is not as popular in Scandinavia as in say USA, there still seems to be a few cool girls on there. Right, right, right, "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND DON'T BOTHER ME".. what, left, right right, left, right, "I puke Nutella"... right.
I guess same Joseph Gordon-Levitt rule applies here, but suddenly I've had a match. She seemed cool, although only after a few messages my tinder seemingly reset all my matches. Well, fuck. However, my other phone still had them, so I figured I'd let her know something's funky and leave my phone number if she wanted to continue texting. She did, and wrote me a funny wall of text, we proceeded texting, seemingly hitting it off, and then scheduling a date over a few beers this weekend. Fucking a!
After having a mild depression for a while, I had something to look forward to for the first time in months. Nice shirt - check, clean shoes - check, jacket - check. Arrived at the place ten minute early, ordered a beer and started waiting. You know five stages of grief? Yeah, I've had plenty of time to rehearse those, going back and forth from start to finish a few times. But after 40 min, and unanswered text, I had to come to acceptance that I was stood up. For the first time I had a proper date and for the first time I was stood up. Isn't life just fucking ironic sometimes? But I guess the positive thing here is that from here the only way is up. Outta boredom as I was waiting and closing in on the "acceptance" stage I opened Tinder in hope of getting some new match within few next minutes, lo and behold, it actually happened! Got matched with some cutie, sent her a witty opened hoping I still could salvage the evening and meet up with someone else now that I was looking my best. A reply came quickly. Maybe this evening wasn't going to be wasted after all.. "Hey sexy, if you want to see me, go to www.cam4fre..." Oh fuck my life.
So now I am sitting at home, without pants, which is nice, and am back to my asocial self. The joyful rush is gone and I am eating some cheese sticks with flavor of sadness. This is just so tiresome. I guess the whole point of this rant is why can't people at least have some basic damn decency to let the others know if they got cold feet or simply can't be arsed? That can make all the difference between "oh welp.." and "fuck my life" for the other person.
But hey, at least that beer was nice.