Relationships, Depression, & Suicide

I'm older than you are, and a little more angry at all things in life right now.

For one, I have friends, and they're good people, but I'm more or less second fiddle for them. To initiate something is usually replied with, "Who else will be there," or only get to hang out with other friends if their wives/girlfriends are away for the weekend. I'm WAY too embarrassed/scared to bring up my feelings. If I try, it's usually glanced over or transitioned into something else.

My family is there, but only because they are family. It's hard to explain, but I just feel out of the group at this point. I'm the oldest sibling but no serious relationship, so at family dinners, it'll be three couples and I.

Work is work. I do a good job at it, and it pays well. But in the end, I'm just a number. I travel a lot for work, so there's no opportunity to bond with anyone well, and it's not like you can be social when you work the next day.

Which usually brings the response, "At least you're still single," which has been the worst response ever to me. If I go on a date, it'll be at least 2-3 weeks before I can schedule something again. For the first time in two years, I went on a date with someone that I actually had interest in. I was excited, but I overdid it by trying to figure out how to go on future dates. I think I came across as clingy, and probably scared the person. She's nice back, but I don't see another date.

All of this is adding up to me. My hobbies have diminished in interest. I only have fun if I'm drunk. I only have friends if they're drunk.

I can't see talking to anyone about it either. I'm sure I'll frame it up so it doesn't sound as bad as it is, or I've come so accustomed to telling people that it's just fine. Everything is fine. Because to tell otherwise just comes across dramatic, emotional, or bad.

I'm certain I'll delete this message too. I don't know.

/r/depression Thread Parent