DEFENCEMEN:

P.K. Subban - The Subbanator. 1D. Sexy motherfucker. Smooth skating, rocket firing, butt-checking monster. The coolest. Dekes like Datsyuk, shoots like Weber, hits like Kronwall.

Andrei Markov - The General. 1D. Silent. Stoic. Russian. The boys make fun of him, cause he's very serious. Adorable when excited, which is never.

Jeff Petry - No known alias. 2D for now. Stole him from Edmonton, loves the team, quality Dman. Skates, passes, big contract, huge pickup for the Habs. Solid guy.

Alexei Emelin - Boom. 2D for now. Controversial. Physical Dman, positioning and passing are a bit weak. Shy guy, little awkward. Hits like a goddamn train, but gets caught out of position. Analytically minded fans don't like him, old-school guys talk about grit and sandpaper and such.

Tom Gilbert - No known alias. 3D. Shifty D-man. Reasonably talented, not super charismatic. Might be getting dumped for a prospect.

Greg Pateryn - Almost certainly Patty or Patter. 3D. Upcoming physical guy. Hits, blocks, first pass is okay. Still apt to panic a little, could be solid in the future.

Jarred Tinordi - Tinner. 4th D. Monstrous kid from Maryland. 6'6" 220lbs, 20 years old. Eats bear hearts raw, sucks the marrow from lion femurs. Big. Fucking. Kid. Might be in the team full time this year, depending on trades.

STAFF:

Marc Bergevin - MB/Bergy. GM. Smart, savvy, cool guy. Makes good trades, widely held up as a guy who knows what's up. Picked up grinders at the deadline when the fans wanted goals. Good GM, some iffy calls when he started out.

Michel Therrien - Too stupid and dumb to get a nickname. Plays stupid dumb grinding hockey. Can't evaluate talent. Can't deploy talent. Can't organize his lines. Can't shrink the bench. Will waste Carey Prices golden years, at which point I will finally stab that voodoo doll I've been building. Alternatively, a babcock-esque defensively savvy coach, who likes low-risk plays. Either way, his players believe in him, so we're stuck with his stupid tactics. He's a divisive figure.