Sigh. Long hauler here. Started trying to get pregnant in 2016. A year later started at my first clinic doing medicated cycles. Did that for about a year and never got pregnant. Didn’t really like the doctor much so decided to switch clinics. Really liked my new doctor and decided to start the IVF process. STIMS made me feel absolutely insane but the first fresh transfer worked and we were over the moon excited. Saw the heartbeat but baby was a few days behind in size. Doctor said it could go either way. A few weeks later there was no heartbeat at the scan. Had a D&C. Decided to dust myself off and try again so a few months later did my first FET. Got pregnant again, had seen the heartbeat and had almost made it to the second trimester and then another loss. Missed miscarriage. Had another D&C. Both of my losses were due to trisomy’s confirmed by testing. Decided to thaw my remaining embryos and have them tested at this point. Glad I did bc two out of ten were genetically normal. Then found out I had an infection in my uterus probably from my last loss. Had to go through multiple biopsies and rounds of different antibiotics to clear it up. Finally am cleared to do another transfer. Roughest TWW and was convinced it hadn’t worked but I got pregnant once again and everything seemed like it was going well this time. But even with each good scan I couldn’t relax. I chalked it up to nerves and trauma but it wasn’t. My baby girl was really sick. Had to wait almost two weeks to get in with the specialist. Baby was diagnosed with extremely rare condition that happens in 1 in every 400,000 pregnancies. Multiple organ symptoms affected. If the baby made it to term she would be severely disabled requiring many surgeries in the first two years alone and a short painful life. We couldn’t bare the thought of our baby suffering like that and opted to TFMR at 17 weeks. Worst grief of my life. I felt like it was going to kill me. I had to wait weeks between the diagnosis and the termination and it was hell on earth. I can’t describe the feeling of signing the paperwork to end a pregnancy I wanted more than anything. But I felt like it was mercy…so we come to now; I have one embryo left on ice and have no idea if I even want to transfer it at this point. I feel like I’ve bought and paid for the worst grief of my life through IVF. 3 pregnancies, tens of thousands of dollars and no baby at the end of it all. Also bc of all the ivf meds, a massive fibroid grew so gearing up for surgery next week to remove. It’s fucked, truly