In my early 20's by chance I stumbled upon a life changing business opportunity. It fell right into my lap one day, and I built a rather low maintenance business around it. I'm no billionaire, but pretty near anything I could want in life financially is in my grasp. Tomorrow I could take a trip around the world if I wanted to. Its an absolutely freeing concept to feel unchained by your near limitless resources, to feel like you can enact real change in your community. I don't need to rely on the government to make big things happen; with a bit of my own money and fundraising I have the freedom to gain the joys that come from philanthropy. The fulfillment that comes from solving real problems in the world is like nothing else. I've seen the world, eaten the best foods in the nicest restaurants. I'm married to my best friend and soulmate. I have a spacious estate, comfortable high end car, and I want to kill myself. Every day I want to die.
You see, there's something wrong in my brain. Some type of error that seemingly can't be corrected, a crossed wire or a typo in the code. No matter what I do, no matter what I own, no matter how fulfilling and thrilling my life may be there is a dark storm of sadness ripping through my being at all times. I have an intense hatred for myself, and I feel like there's a constant pressure from this immense boulder of unhappiness crushing me so violently that I wish I could pull a trigger and end my world.
But I don't end it. I'll never end it. And you want to know the fucked up reason why? I feel too guilty about being depressed despite the insane luck I've had in life. I feel too guilty ending a life that should be a happy one. While other people have suicide as a last resort, I don't even have that.
So in a weird way the money saves my life every day. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I never invested that 3 thousand dollars with the Nigerian prince, who for my good faith returned my investment with 70 thousand percent interest. Where would I be today if I had never received that email? I can tell you right now that I would be dead. I would have taken the leap, or pulled the trigger. So I'm thankful for my wealth, but it hasn't brought me a shred of happiness.