Hi, thanks for taking the time to read and reply to me. I understand your point of view and I felt you got me to open my eyes.

The thing is I had so many traumatic experiences of abandonment and trust from my family, friends, and lovers, and I let the guy do what he wants because I don't want to push him or force him to do anything. Basically, I let first the guy be so into me before I do bc I'm afraid I do that first and then he dumps me, funny is happens even if he leads it.

I always start a conversation about what we want, I always tell them I'm bottom and I like to be a small spoon. They say ok, they don't mind and they still want me but then time later they change.

The funny thing is later he had a new bf (he told me lol) and the bf broke up with him so many times in one week bc they had different lifestyles and didn't want to commit to him. The guy I dated wanted his bf to be willing to accept his lifestyle and they are together now lol The differences say it all. He is so hypocrite. He used to tell me that the guys who left me were missing me out, it was their loss and he didn't want me to ever feel alone, lol he left me. I kind of end up emotionally traumatic and question myself in everything I do.. I asked them why they made me fall for them then. Why you did do all those romantic things to me? they replied because I wanted, and I wanted to make you feel special.

For example, the last guy dumpled bc according to him I'm bottom emotionally and he couldn't be the small spoon. He always big-spooned me and I thought he liked that bc he will always grab me first and I will let him. I didn't know he liked to be the small spoon, and when he was dumping me I told him, I'm sorry, I didn't know that, I can try again, I want to hold you and big spoon you and he said that it wasn't who I am and didn't want to change me. I was like, you are not going to change me, is more like a wake-up call for me to learn more to build our relationship together. He still didn't want to give me a shot and I accepted then. I kind of felt that he lied, judge me, and labeled me that I couldn't be something for him. I mean would you dump someone bc didn't big-spoon you at some moment? Even is that person tells you I want to try again, I can do that.

Funny thing is later he had a new bf (he told me lol) and the bf broke up with him so many times in one week bc they had different lifestyles and didn't want to commit to him. The guy I dated wanted his bf to be willing to accept his lifestyle and they are together now lol The differences say it all. He is so hypocrite. He used to tell me that the guys who left me were missing me out, it was their loss and he didn't want me to ever feel alone, lol he left me. I kind of end up emotionally traumatic and question myself in everything I do.

I think guys use me as an experiment and love bomb me a lot.