From View Source:

I broke it. It burnt my hand so I punched it. Please talk more about how much you hate Europe and bicycles. Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy? Everyone! Meet your meat. This is Tom. Tom is very smart and incredibly loyal. He's basically a dog. A dog we're going to cook, chew and swallow. I just taught her to whittle. She made me this tiny sharpened stick. I'm sorry to see you go. I've really come to think of you as a companion. Leslie! Congratulate us! Can you turn the radio off? This is our song. I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off. From friction. Is that a fried turkey leg wrapped inside a burger? Because if so, then yes. Delicious. Challenge accepted. If I win, hamburgers stay on the menu. The rarest jewel of all... victory over me, Ron Swanson. I'm not planning to buy anything here. I buy all my hamburgers at Food and Stuff, a place equidistant from my home and work. I'm here for the same reason people go to zoos. I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food. And most of my stuff. What exactly will you be cutting and how much of it and can I watch you do it while eating Pork Cracklins? What's a not gay way to ask him to go camping with me? Go do that in your office. History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake. Oh, look. A clock. We don't have those in America. A tower? Try the Sears Tower, son. Enjoy the fact that your overlords are a frail old woman and a tiny baby. I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it. No. I hate them both. On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living? You've aged horribly. I don't want this parks department to build, any parks, because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the parks system privatized and run entirely for profit, by corporations. ...what the fuck is a German muffin? All due respect Ms. Clack, stick a German muffin in it. ... and when she looked in the back of her car, she saw that even though it was her own private property, she would be forced to take it in... for a state inspection! Recently, I made a chair. When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. I submitted it to the Indiana fine woodworking association, who felt it merited consideration for an award. It's been a real whirlwind. If you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. Everyone is miserable. Tom can only work if there's someone to impress, so stranding him in Freak Island isn't helping anyone. You made April everyone's assistant. You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only perform when no one is looking. Shine a spotlight on him and he shrinks faster than an Eskimo's scrotum. Listen well, for I will not be saying this ever again. I have a compromise. I'm Ron Swanson, and you're Leslie fuckin Knope. If you're gonna stay here, there are three rules you need to follow. One, no talk about Tammy One. Two, no talk about Ben. Three, no talk. You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges. Uh, someone is on fire in Ramset Park. They need you to get down there right away. Yeah, The Bulge. It's behind my house. I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi. You forgot to paint a painting, son. OK, everyone. shut up! And look at me! Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they're here now. I believe that after this is over, they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech. You know Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple months, I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you can come by at halftime and shoot me in the head. And just like that, the one thing I enjoyed about government is clubbed to death before my eyes. Crying is only okay in two places.. funerals and the Grand Canyon. Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable. I have the Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for Excellence in Female Stuff. Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner, because I've won an award. April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson castle. Instead she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face. What the fuck are you doing, Perd Hapley? Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man how to fish and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing isn't that hard. I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the stench of European socialism. I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here? Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher shops first. I have no problem with strong women, Leslie. Thank you all for being here. Let's get started. Sorry, I was talking to these ribs. People are idiots, Leslie. Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you wanna eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so! To me, that's beautiful. Hello, Leslie. How long have you been sleeping with Ben? Oh, all of you shut up! Andy, April is mad because you said Awesome sauce instead of I love you, too. April, he loves you, so stop being a child. Tom, we all know that you lost Lil Sebastian. Jerry, you shouldn't have been burying your face into funnel cakes. Now all of you apologize. I have a hernia. I've had it for a while. And I've been ignoring it... successfully, but this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing. But as long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good. I got this. She's near. Attagirl. Hey, Mark! This is Beth, my ex wife Tammy's better-looking sister. Yep. My ex wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale! This is a flying robot I just shot out of the sky after it delivered a package to my house. The package was addressed to my son. Who is four years old. And does not own a Grizzl dodad. Somehow the robots looked at Diane's computer and learned something about my child and then brought him a box of presents. So I destroyed the robot. No one is safe from these bastards. Tell me what to do, Leslie. I wanna help you take em down. Every year, I give Leslie the same present I give everyone: a crisp 20 dollar bill. And every year, she gets me something thoughtful and personal. It makes me furious. This year, she outdid herself. She had it installed over the weekend. It's so... (starts crying) it's so beautiful. I haven't had lunch since yesterday, so I'm going over to Callahan's. You had me at Meat Tornado. Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying, but the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be. Since I am not a rabbit, no, I do not. I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American. Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something. Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons. Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing. Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating. I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief. No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s. A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans. Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait...wait. I worry what you just heard was: Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was. Give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand? When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them. There’s only one thing I hate more than lying... skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk. The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.