Thanks for making me revisit the entry on Russia in the Onion's Our Dumb World! Still rings true fifteen years in. Couldn't find a source, so here's the factsheet because I'm procrastinating:
Facts on Russia: Broken and Useless
Borders on:
Eurasia, violent paranoid schizophrenia
Climate:
Frigid to sub-subarctic
Terrain:
Broad plains of scorched irradiated earth, desolate Siberian gulags, walled-off regions of radioactive contamination, steppes (12)
Natural Resources:
Vast stores of oil, timber and iron buried benath a permafrost layer of Russians
Government:
Privatized
Life Expectancy:
Male - 59 years
Female - 113 years
Religion:
Nah
Ethnic Groups:
Russians (42.7%), Mafia (23.3%), Tatar (3.8%), ethnic groups who hopefully will not independence until we are long dead (30.3%)
Military:
1,140,00 active troops crammed into two tanks
Traditional Russian Practical Joke:
Loading the gun with blanks
Economy:
Pilfered in 1991 by three rich Russian guys
National Holiday:
Still Alive Day
Crime:
Organized
Crime and Punishment:
Currently stuck on page 686
National Grain:
Vodka
Space Program:
Primarily funded by blowing up wealthy tourists in orbit
Time Zones:
28
Most Popular TV Program:
Wake Him with Stick, airing Mondays at 5 p.m., 6 p.m., 7 p.m., 8 p.m., 9 p.m. Central; 10 p.m., 11 p.m., 12 a.m., 1a.m., 2 a.m., and 3 p.m. Pacific