It’s a new year 2018 how you all feeling ?

I’m waiting on a decision from an interview for a great job. If I land it, I get to leave town, and leave behind all the shit I went through with her as I start a new chapter of my life.

If I don’t, I won’t land another opportunity like this any time soon (nature of the industry) and I’ll remain underemployed and stuck in a dysfunctional home environment.

I don’t even care about celebrating NYE, even though it’s one of my favorite holidays. My universe centers on the result of this interview. I have hourly mood swings between confidence, hope, and elation to destitution and hopelessness.

In my every interaction with strangers, I’m probing their responses to judge whether I’m as hideous and worthless as I felt with her. I’m carrying around a tremendous amount of shame.

And then it’s just gone and I’m fine.

Every once in a while, I get unprovoked flashes of memories from my time with her and wince in pain. I havent cried at any point. I just choke up and get blurry eyed like the pain is bursting to get out, but it’s stuck in my throat.

I’m supposed to tell myself that it wasn’t love, but it was. I connected with a very sick person and internalized their pain. I was mirroring just like she was. I already had my own issues and I threw a grenade into a brush fire.

But I’m ok. I think. And I know that if I land this job, I can put it all behind me, move on, and heal.

And if I don’t, I’m trying to reassure myself that it’s not the end of the world and there will be other chances. But it sure as fuck doesn’t feel that way.

Happy New Year.

/r/BPDlovedones Thread