3. It’s NYE. I have never felt more terrible.

It’s NYE. I have never felt more terrible.

2020 made me lose sight of everything that’s to come, and changed my belief system in a lot of ways. Had you asked me 11 months ago if I wanted to have kids I would have said yes in a heartbeat. Now I can’t even stomach the idea. I’ve been so depressed this year, and have been lamenting on my childhood a lot. I’m so afraid of fucking my future children up the way my family did to me. I’m absolutely mortified of post partum depression.

I don’t have any career goals. I have zero faith in myself and my abilities. I have this irrational fear that every new thing I try I’m going to fail.

This mental battle is TOUGH. I hate myself and I hate life, just like you said. But we can’t give up. Yes we have a few rough months ahead of us still with the pandemic and rolling out vaccinations. But if we don’t try and believe things can get better, they never will.

I hope you find happiness in the new year. Even if all it is is your favorite music artist releasing a new album, or something small like that. There are still things to look forward to.

I was watching The Prisoner of Azkaban yesterday and I heard a quote from Dumbledore, “Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

Stay safe and I hope you find something to love about yourself and life in the new year.

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