SAHM struggling with lose of financial freedom, advice please!

I'm going to give my take on this as its different to most other people here.

I dont think this is a relationship issue - or necessarily a red flag or even abusive. It IS however, a massive communication issue. As another poster has pointed out he has a financial coping mechanism that he either cant or wont recognise is hurting his wife.

My hubby is EXACTLY THE SAME!!!!! And you know what, its ok. It's been nearly 3 years of me being dependent on him - 4 years of having joint bank accounts and we are only just now working things out where we both feel comfortable. He is a huge tight ass and will freely admit it. He also has a blind spot to how much he is willing to spend on his own stuff - tools, beer etc.

So here I am, dependent on him, everything is in his name (not joint) and he keeps telling me not to spend money and analysing EVERY purchase (even the groceries) etc etc just like OP. We had some EPIC fights about this. I just felt so restricted, untrusted, belittled and resentful.

Eventually (this was about a year ago) I made up a few ledgers & called a meeting to discuss things as adults and not in an argument (got a friend to babysit and everything.) It went something like this: I started off by explaining that I didnt feel equal in our relationship because he was earning the money etc etc but that I felt that I should be equal because I saw it that his financial repsonsibility to our relationship was earning the money. My financial responsibility to the relationship was helping him to earn the money by supporting him at home (cooking/cleaning/packed lunches/child care etc) and also by saving as much money as possible as a financial contribution so he didn't have to work more hours than necessary (Now, I admit - I take this to the extreme.. but we have been VERY VERY broke in the past. I make all our own cleaning products, shampoo's, soap, ride my bike instead of drive to cut down on fuel, make most things from scratch and rarely eat out/go to the hairdresser etc etc.)

I then presented him with a cost breakdown of what I estimated (with price comparison as proof) of how much I was actually saving us every month by doing these things. He was actually shocked - he honestly had no idea!!! He had no concept of how much disposable nappies cost (we used cloth) or pre-made baby food etc etc. He had never thought about the impact I was making on the positive side to our bank account. Mind you, I included stuff like hairdressers appointments and new clothes and explained to him that was actually something I was sacrificing as part of my contribution, not because I enjoy buying secondhand and having a haircut once a year! (that and unlike OP we actually are pretty broke - I told him it was woth it for me to prioritise organic good quality food over beauty treatments and didnt expect to have to justify those purchases to him)

Then I made a household budget, with all our regular expenses listed plus groceries and a modest extra allowance for the little things that crop up. I told him I wanted that much transfered from our business to our private account weekly and I would take over paying the regular household bills etc and not only is this something I WANTED to do. But that it would be a big step towards me feeling equal and valued (he thought he was taking care of me by paying all the bills etc.) I also explained it was a way for me to take some of the finacial stress away from him - because thats my job, to support him as best I can. Because he is supporting me and the kid(s) as best he can.

That conversation honestly saved our marriage. Things still arent perfect. He still doesnt entirely consult me on big things - but we are working on it. We both feel better and he is learning to let go. He also stopped hassleing me over buying the expensive free range organic eggs!!

I'm not saying this is a solution for everyone - but it sure worked for us starting from a very similar position. If you can afford it - perhaps some relationship/financial counselling would help?

/r/Parenting Thread