It's not going very well over here, I must say. My liver is full of glycogen now because yesterday I ate bread. Yes, bread. I realize I have committed some kind of a mortal keto sin and consumed the religious equivalent of the Devil that I don't even believe exists, but that's the reality here. The fact is that I have been exceeding my calorie limits for the past two weeks or so almost every day and the main catalyst of the excess has been alcohol. The alcohol has no carbs, so that's been a plus, and I even had a whoosh of 4 lbs between drunken escapades, thank you dehydration? But yesterday I drunkenly ordered up some take out and then ate it. So here I am beating myself up mercilessly because I hold myself to some kind of a perfectionist standard and have met that standard in the past and so am even harder on myself now and I am just a big, fat bullshit talking liar. I have typed on here to others how I get past a binge impulse while purposely not using those approaches. I think my marriage is over, I think I need to let go of many emotional attachments I have desperately been hanging onto for the past 6 or so years. Or maybe longer, maybe I have been lying to myself for my entire miserable life.
My husband has been clean from crack and heroin for the past 26 years and he doesn't think I'm an alcoholic, he thinks I'm a binge drinker. I don't even want to get into my whole prior experience with AA and that whole ball of wax - it's just not for me - I hate every bit of it. It wasn't the not drinking that I hated - and I didn't drink for over a decade - it was the whole forced dogma of that limited belief system. It's bullshit, I'm sorry, not sorry. I think back to late March when I started this whole keto-calorie counting weight loss journey to not be a fat, lazy person anymore and I was seriously determined. I walked 5 days a week. I weighed and measured every single thing I ate and I did not exceed my calories for a single day until about May 8th. When it turned too hot for me to walk outside everyday I switched to doing bodyweight fitness indoors and did it every other day up until like, yesterday. I am still measuring the alcohol and logging it, and then logging all the things I eat after it as if that matters anymore.
My plan is to start over Monday morning. A really weak rationalized plan on my part, I know. It's June 1st and a good day to start over. I'll reset my MFP day count, I'll go back to the beginning where I was very strict and stuck to my macros like glue everyday. Day counts are important to me and that's really a stupid holdover from some retarded form of "recovery" I don't even believe in anymore. MFP says 76 days but in my mind, I ruined the day count around May 8th when I went 128 calories over.
Clearly I need more in my life than just a subreddit and a stupid, sugar-addicted, dying old husband with ideas so outdated you can just puke on them. But they work for him, in his limited sphere of functioning.
I don't want to post this. I realize there's people on here doing extremely well with weight loss and sticking to keto and that's all this sub is really about. I realize that typing this makes me look like a total mental mess and a stupid, fat failure doomed to die from the diabetes that will overtake me soon enough if I continue. The bread wasn't even that good really. It was chewy and hard to swallow and felt like swallowing a ton of guilt. I just feel like maybe some honesty and accountability is in order. Maybe I can get past this idiotic binge drinking and eating phase I am in the last few days and come out the other side still exercising and adhering to my macros. Or, maybe I'll delete this entire account and come back as a lurker, trying again to lose all of this hideous fat I have packed onto this small frame in some kind of emotional desperation. So yeah, I'll post this now and whatever.