I tried to edit my post again, but as my wife tells me, I babbled on too long and it exceeded the word count, so I'll post here if ok.
Edit 2: Someone has given me gold. Thank you kind stranger.
If i could cuddle you I would!
I would also like to expand on my symptoms, something I didnt quite go into before. I need to get my times lines right here.
The incident was 3 years ago, my 5 year old was about 2 (give or take a month).
When my son was born, he was born not breathing and had to be resuscitated, I watched while he was worked on. You could see the Doctors, they were in control, but it was controlled chaos, reassuring me, while fighting to save my son, like a swan, calm on the surface, but motoring along below. As a result, somewhere along the lines a haemorrhage was caused behind his eye, effectively blinding him. 10 weeks after his birth he needed an operation ti save the eye (it didnt). I had to hold my son, in the theatre while he was anaethatised (cant spell it). He just went limp in my arms. That stuck with me.
Fast forward, to now or the last year, my other son was born, I'll just refer to him as #2, partly because he's a little shit! (he's a year now).
When I first entered the house with the baby, her arms were above her head. Her face was just still, like a doll, it always reminds me of that scene in the movie Trainspotting.
Anyway, I go into my sons room when he was a few months old, hes laying like that, I burst into tears, had a panic attack, grab him out the cot, scare the shit out my wife and my peacefully sleeping son.
That was it, since then I don't sleep have panic attacks and this is the re-occurrence I was referring to. I check him nightly, pester my wife while I'm at work to check on him. I get bad chest pains, get light headed, it feels like a heart attack (not that I know what they feel like, Ive been checked out, I'm fine).
My initial trigger back when it happened, was holding the baby that died, I associated that with my first son and that trauma. So I'm told by my therapist.
I can only assume seeing #2 laying the same way as the baby put me back in that house and undid what I thought was repaired.
To give more details of my symptoms, aside from the obsessive behaviour towards my son. I have no passion. I'm just neutral about most things. My wife jokes that Im a robot, if only she knew.
I sleep. A LOT! But its not really sleep, I just lay in bed and avoid my life, my family and very recently work.
Someone mentioned about exercise, strangely that's something I do have passion for, I train a lot. I am disciplined in my food and diet, I rarely drink alcohol and I find exercise helps with my temper, which is bad.
I can sit at home and lose it, for no reason. I don't want my wife or kids to hate me, to think I'm a bad guy and I'm not writing this for you to tell me I'm a good guy. Like I said previously, in this job you can be the good guy one minute, the bad the next. It's a fine line.
I'm aware of my issues, more so now and I am seeking help. I will periodically update this post with my progress, I hope someone reads this that is also suffering in silence, please, be braver than me and speak out! Take control of it, before it takes control of you!
Again thank you for taking the time to read this.
Also for those that have commented about wanting to join the job, don't be put off this job. I was in a bad place a few days ago (it happens). The job comes with its rewards experiences and achievements few jobs can give. But it may come at a cost. We pay a toll each time we put on our uniform, just make sure you pay enough for a return trip! Don't get lost in the job!