I've had this exact thought. It's like being hit by a truck, like that quote about having a revelation, a moment of clearity in Pulp Fiction. I started questioning why are others able to carry themselves with poise and assertiveness, while I'm just being... this.
I came to the conclusion that people like us will never be normal. The state of being normal only exists when one is not aware of the abnormal. I don't know if that makes sense. At least for me, I feel like I'll never live a normal life, for I have reference, experience and insight of all the things that went wrong to mold me into who I am today. I am self-aware. I can behave normally and blend in but I will always be conscious that I'm imitating someone else.
Thinking about this pains me greatly. It feels like I was born deformed, or perhaps raised to be. I've tried to flip my mindset and rid the learnt helplessness, and it feels bizarre indeed. I just cannot fathom the serenity, how can someone be so at peace with themself.
The other day someone asked me if I'd like to change my past, and to my own surprise my answer is no. I have learnt a lot from both others' and my wrongdoings. It's the flaws of character that define me as a person. Every bit of suffering and injury is a valuable lesson. It's weird, I don't know how to explain it. I'm at peace with myself but, at the same time, never at peace due to my upbringingsomething like that
I'm ridden with fear. What if by tring to be happy, I'm training myself to become my parents? What if the self-assurance that I so desperately obtained is, in fact, hubris, and my self-respect selfishness? I don't know where to draw the line. I not sure if I ever will. The closest I'll get to being a functional adult is monkey see monkey do.