First of all, I am SO sorry. The burden that children sometimes have to hold for their parents can be excruciatingly sad and all-consuming (I know this all too well).

I have the same anxiety issues and remorse as soon as I smoke, yet keep hoping something 'better' will happen even though I know it won't.

There are a lot of great comments here so I won't repeat, but I will also note that you deserve to have your thoughts heard too even if indirectly. He obviously is in extreme pain to want to numb himself, but he is still a human and is still himself under all the haze and weight of whatever he is going through.

What would happen if you printed this post out and left it for him to read?