Before the lockdown, i used to be a reasonably happy guy. When the virus came I thought people would be sensible and we would accept not everybody could be saved, 80 year old people die sometimes and it is tragic but a part of life, surely we would not curb everyone's life. But they did, and a lot of people actually agree and take a moral highground when they sacrifice other people because they can not accept the potential risk their elders would bear.

Everyday I woke up and I rose not because of hope but because there was not really anything else to do, slowly depression crept onto my back. I had a job interview but it was postponed. Then came the relativization of my own early demise, I was never scared of dying but now by the day I feel less opposed about it. I am actually going to see a psychologist because i can feel my mental health deteriorating. I have trouble concentrating and all the vigor of life is dripping out of my body. I am still in shape, but slowly I will get fatter and weaker the time this lasts, I can't go to the gym and bodyweight: I am trying to find the motivation but I can not motivate myself for anything anymore.

I won't end myself do not worry. It is because I know what it would do to people to even consider it. I would never do that. Also it is very painful, scary and I don't have to do anything: The end will come anyways.

But I do rise everyday now with a festering, growing, burning hatred of the society that supports the lockdown that destroys the livelyhood of people, the economy, the education of children, the mental health of a lot of people. I can not put it out of my mind. Honestly when I am awake i can't help but think that I am happy for my own mortality: I won't have to share an existence with the "morally upright" people that happily destroy everything for the miniscule lowered risk that there old relatives will survive. I am a pacifist and would never harm anyone however:

The lockdown has made my contempt of some people in this society so huge that I can wholeheartedly accept that I will die one day, because atleast I won't have to suffer their presence anymore.

Yes I know: the hate. That is why I am going to a psychologist you see. I don't want to be like this but I am. I feel the pain for others, the silent covid victims. The jobless, the mentally fragile and the children, the grads straight out of college. You did not deserve this. I feel deeply for you and that is why I am in pain.