I used to do something like this. It felt like multiple threads or trains of thought were flying around at once. Unfortunately, it wasn't very nice

I'd have my 'gut reaction' voice. This is the one that was scared of and angry at death. This is the one that wanted to skip class, have sex with my crush, give up on a regimented future, doodle, play sports, dig ditches, kill myself, get sucked into a video game, read books all day, or become a modern Spartacus. The one that didn't want to do things alone.

Then I'd have the harsh voice of planning, self criticism and what I thought was realism. It was essentially trying to be smart all the time and pre empt any outside criticism. This was the one that made me go to class when I would have rather died. This is the one that stopped me from telling my crushes how I felt (being interested in sex was sexist- my divorced parents had impressed this upon me). This was the one that got me into a lucrative as reliable field instead of writing or filmmaking . This was the one that motivated me to succeed, to be funny and entertaining, to believe that goodness came out of raw determination in the face of an existential crisis.

Then there was the one that criticized my critical voice! The one telling me to just be normal. The one telling me I could take risks, as long as I was strong enough to hack it.

There were a few more layers, and these voices were constantly talking over each other, and being kind of mean about it. I later read the book dune, and the only thing I can compare my existence was to Paul's future sight. I was trying to predict all options- I had been impressed with a sense of responsibility and superiority as a child. Told I was the fastest, strongest, smartest and funniest- if other people did something wrong it was a mistake, if I did something wrong it was a crime. That I was the only hope for my family

Basically, if someone were reading my mind they would have to know I was trying my best. They just had to!

I can't remember much specifically about what that was like- It's been about five or six years. Things fade.

The resolution? I sort of merged all of the voices- but really, the 'gut reaction' voice won. I had this realization that it was okay to want to die (I've chosen death by old age as my method, but I have some backups if that doesn't work). It was okay to be sad, it was okay to hate the way the world works, it was okay to not actually want the things I was supposed to want, it was okay to let off the gas a little bit, to stop sacrificing the current me for a future me that never really arrives

Yes, it made it tough to graduate from school. It made it tough to maintain a boring job. It makes it reeeaaallly easy to hit the snooze button. It makes it very, very hard to keep my apartment clean. It kind of killed my sense of humor a bit. My judgment can be poor. But I'm more content, and a bit more relaxed. My existential fears are less.

I still can't really deal with people looking over my shoulder while I work. Have a lot of trouble with unwanted criticism ('yes, I already thought of that'). Still suffer from anxiety, but it feels way more biological than logical now. Being around people that care about me helps, when I can find them. I'm basically finding ways to pass the time forever

This rambling message will be buried. Do you identify at all with your voices? Do you think the things they say are legitimate? If so, I hope you can learn from my experience a bit. It might not work the same way for you, but if you truly are just stuck in a negative feedback loop you can escape