I'm only 13.
When those very words escape my mouth, the brushing-under-the-rug bullshit starts.
"Oh, it's only a phase. Every teenager feels this way, you'll get over it."
"You're so young, what could this world have possibly done to you?"
"You haven't experienced real pain or real love before."
To anyone who has ever said these things to me, I wanted to scream, just fucking stop, would you?
It's not only about what this world has done to me, but to a lot of other people in it. Those poor souls in third world countries, those kids at school who constantly are berated and tormented for whatever reason, those people who work shitty minimum wage jobs every day to afford a goddamn home. It's not only about me.
As for not experiencing "real pain", there are different levels of pain. Some more or less harder than others. Some are completely stupid, such as a privileged first-world girl cracking her phone screen, crying to her parents about it and getting angry when they won't do anything to help.
But others are much more justified and real.
Over the (very short) 13 years I've lived:
I've had 2 very close friendships (one lasted nearly a decade, the other 5-6 years) that were utterly swept into the trash. I realized that both "friends" used me, abused me, and were two-faced brats. Those events managed to leave me scarred, and though I ended them both almost 2 years ago, I still think about it pretty much every day. And it makes me feel so hollow and empty inside.
I've also been bullied, not only at school, but while I was friends with those two people that I stated above. A group of girls would always talk shit about me, and one of them even made herself cry to make me look bad in front of the entire class when I did absolutely nothing.
My parents can't comprehend how I think and are practically in denial that something is wrong with me. They are taking me to counselling and all, but it's just that they themselves can't get it. They've never had my mindset: They've never lived my life. So they never will, and whenever I attempt to explain, I ALWAYS feel a barrier. I feel like I'm explaining a color to a blind person. I cannot fully get through to anyone.
I am fully aware that MANY people has it MUCH worse than I do. I am grateful for the roof over my head, for the clean water I drink, for the food in my stomach.
It's just that I see no fucking point.
I don't see any value in life. At all. Again,unless in the future I can make a kick-ass band that can at least live off of playing, I'll be a little more pleased. And I am working towards that every day. This seems so insignificant coming from an anonymous person on Reddit. I know that. But I need to do this.
Living a life based solely off of the expectations of your parents or anyone around is not living. It is surviving. And I want to do something that I enjoy for the rest of my life, not something that is wanted from me. I shouldn't have to work my ass off doing some job that I hate to get a damn home to live in and food to eat.
My parents seem to think that when I'm older, I'm "not going to want to live in a small, shitty apartment, you're going to want to have a nice house and car and pool and all the fucking money in the world". Obviously that's exaggerated, but it's still in the same sense. That really isn't the case, though: I'd much rather live in a small shitty apartment with a bed where I can write songs, a tv, and a kitchen. Bam. All the essentials in a less space-consuming place. I laugh when I look at how little people are, yet we want a house the size of motherfucking mount Everest to live in that has a pool and a football court. No, you don't.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I see life as a huge, twisted, demonic tragedy. Yea, I'm only 13 years old. But the way I see it is that every passing day I'll still be the same pessimistic person, slowly reach 14, then 15, then 16, then death.
Point is: If I don't make a living off of music I don't want to live. Either way, I don't want to, with or without music (though it occupies most of my emotion and life).