Here's the thing. I am VERY needy. I flip shit over seemingly nothing. I, on one occasion, lost my shit so bad I was looking for the guy she was cheating on me with inside a damn wall as there was nowhere left to look. More hospital visits than any 'perfectly healthy' person should have for ODs and shit, 1/3 of my forearm is a giant burn scar. I have caused so much chaos in these girls lives, the thought of a girl trying to get close to me hurts my soul to the core out of sheer guilt about my behaviors and I simply can not let anyone get close to me ever again. I fear I will do the same thing to them I did the past girls. So I push people away before they even get an opportunity to get close now. This kind of behavior is consistent with what i see on the /r/bpd subreddit sometimes. Folks having so much guilt about how they've treated the people that they impose self-isolation on themselves and don't let anyone get near them because they are done hurting people. So now I have compounded the pain of being alone/lonely, pain of my past and the pain from guilt I feel. It hurts more than any physical pain I have ever felt. Even when I was 15 (it's what I was told so who knows if it's true or not) minutes from my heart stopping. I would would rather feel the 12 grams of caffeine in my veins than the emotional torture my head gives me. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT or some shit, which is often used for BPD: "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement."

So I just don't know. Ive always been lost, and maybe this is just one thing I was mistaken on not bein lost on. Who knows.