[Serious] Bullies of reddit whose victims committed suicide, how did it affect you?

You know, your post out of all the others struck me the most in this thread. I was home-schooled (mostly) by my mother for the first few grades, whereas my father struggled with alcoholism and worked long shifts at the oil sands. I can't remember when I first wanted to die, but it was long before I entered public school. I was convinced my father hated me until I was well into my late teens; it seemed nothing I did was good enough. He constantly insulted me for being effeminate, and seemed to be always angry during the few short hours he was home each day -- and directed it towards me. It got to the point where I would just go into my room and hide when I heard his bus coming down the street.

My mother entered a deep depression after her own mother died and could no longer teach, so I was shuffled into public school at Grade 5. If I thought my dad was bad, I had no idea how cruelly people would treat a red-haired, home-schooled effeminate boy. I wanted -- so badly -- to be able to make friends and speak to people without them immediately insulting everything about me, but eventually I learned that was futile. Sure, some of them could have had rough lives at home, but for the most part they were something I felt I could never be: normal.

For as long as I can remember, I didn't see myself "growing up" because I was convinced I would kill myself before I turned 18. When my peers were excitedly talking about life after school, going to University and getting a job, I went along but never bothered planning for my adult life. I started abusing alcohol when I was about 15, and still have a problem with it today (I've been trying to cut down, but it can be really difficult -- especially once the depression starts creeping back). For a few years after high school, I just sort of... floated.

I'm at a good point in my life now, I think -- in my mid-20's and attending University, and my father and I have a much better relationship than we used to. I still struggle with alcohol and trust issues, but I feel my childhood gave me the strength to deal with whatever life can throw at me now.

/r/AskReddit Thread Parent