I fell in love again. Wall of text.... I am married, have been together for 25 years, since college. I love my husband and have never ever considered cheating. I have had many offers over the years but have always refused. I have never even been tempted. Usually what comes to mind is that I am flattered and take it as a compliment. I can always imagine these men with someone else and honestly hope they will find happiness like I have. I am still happy in my marriage; I am not angry or upset with my husband for any reason which is why this is so confusing to me. I have NEVER planned this, I didn't look for this, I did not seek this out I never had any intention of ever cheating. I have been seeing a therapist to try and figure out why I am feeling this way but it has not helped at all.
Back story, Married 20+ years most happy normal ups and downs like any marriage. Children are in college. Husband travels and is away for months at a time but we Facetime almost daily. I am independent and manage the household on my own. I work from home and travel for work once or twice a year. Man I cheated with is a client but won’t be much longer as I am leaving the company.
Here we go... Last year while away for work I met one of my clients. He had some questions about how to best use our product for his company. The moment I met him I was flooded with a feeling I had not had before. Strange really but this is how it all started. While answering his many questions I could not take my eyes off of his and his adorable smile. He had so many questions I am sure he started making them up on the spot just to keep talking to me and I loved it. He gave me some to research and I now had a reason to speak to him the next day. The next time I saw him we talked about work then he started telling me about himself. I made excuses to see and talk to him a few times while we were there and the last night we spent hours together taking and laughing with other coworkers. He walked me to my room and I let him in… We talked and he tried to kiss me. This man completely took my breath away. I felt like a teenager again. My stomach was in knots and my mouth was dry I was blushing constantly and could barely form a coherent sentence. Oh I wanted him so bad but I refused. I apologized for leading him on and told him I was married and just could not do this. He was respectful and left. I said I hoped to see him at the next conference but I hoped he might come with a girlfriend next year because I may not be able to refuse a second time. I honestly wished him well and was hopeful he would find a kind beautiful woman to make him happy.
Since he walked out my door I have not been able to stop thinking about him. He pops into my head out of the blue and I catch my breath and get butterflies. I can't explain it and I figure in time this will stop and these feelings will go away, but they never do, it has been a year now.
Since he still had some work questions I needed to answer I had to contact him once I returned from the conference. I sent a very professional email and tried to keep things on the up and up. We spoke on the phone, via text and email and each time I smiled so much my cheeks would hurt. We did flirt more and more but he lives so far away from me I just enjoyed it and didn't think it would go anywhere. I assumed he would eventually find someone and forget about me, I mean what are the chances I would ever see him again. The more we spoke the more I fell for him.
I started seeing a therapist because I felt so guilty about having feelings form someone that wasn't my husband I just didn't know why. I am happy and comfortable; my life is essentially on cruise control right now so why can't I stop thinking about this man? I even went to far as to see my doctor and get my hormones checked thinking maybe I am hitting early menopause and my hormones are out of whack causing me to feel like this. I know that sounds crazy but I needed some explanation. By the way my hormone levels are completely normal and there is no sign of early menopause thank goodness.
A few months later I took a trip to his area and I met with a few customers. I was hoping to see him thinking this is my chance to set things right, just be his friend and move on. I didn't get the chance to see him on that trip which was probably a good thing.
A few months after that I was back to meet with another customer and I did have the opportunity to see him but things did not go as I planned. I was hoping to go out and maybe have some dinner, chat and just be silly. I could not wait to see him; I was so excited like a school girl. We met at his place so we could take one car and while I was there we caught up a little talking about what’s been going on in our lives then he showed me around. I was so nervous, blushing the whole time and smiling like a total goof. Eventually he asked me for a hug so I gave him one and he kissed me. I said I couldn’t but then just went with it. Needless to say we never left the house. We talked and played for hours, the best part was just being in his arms and talking, I wanted to stay there forever.
Honestly if he asked me to leave and be with him I would. I want to be his and only his but I am too afraid to tell him how I feel just yet. I have written him a letter but don’t have the nerve to send it. On one hand why would I be so stupid as to ruin a perfectly good and until now happy marriage, risk everything, and in the end hurt my family and possibly wind up alone? I mean why would he want to be with me in a serious relationship as I essentially just proved that I am not a trustworthy person. I have been faithful to one man for 25 years and now that doesn’t count for anything. He has no reason to trust me. On the other hand we only have one life to lead so why shouldn’t I take this chance and possibly end up with someone who makes me so happy and who I want to make happy in return?
TLDR - I have no idea why other than I met someone who literally takes my breath away. I fell in love with him but am too afraid to do anything else about it.