I was 11 (12 I think I don’t remember), in a new neighborhood, not bullied anymore, and my self esteem was not ok (and still is not ok).

I got bullied 2nd-5th grade by a boy who was well known to be a show off. He would call me a retard, call me ugly, made me feel stupid, make me lose motivation to do anything because I didn’t want to be laughed at by him. I even had a meltdown in the bathroom during a dance because he was pointing at me calling me ugly.

I remember thinking of committing suicide in the middle of the night by a knife in 4th grade. I didn’t think of killing myself then because my friends and my mom said “don’t worry he will stop one day”.

Fast forward to 6th grade, I had a mind set that everyone thought I was ugly and stupid, I didn’t socialize at all, I thought I was worthless. I didn’t take good care of myself and was careless of my health at the time. I would have a meltdown and drag my self esteem down a lot to the point of thinking and planning my suicide.

One Halloween night (still 6th grade) I came out to my mom with having suicidal thoughts. She got me a therapist and I started going. It helped a little but I still wanted to kill myself but instead of knifes — by a scarf. Why did I chose a scarf? Because my mom never buys ropes nor does she use them and I know she would find it suspicious. I remember trying 4 times to kill myself within 6 months with a scarf. By the end of 6th grade it was almost gone but not fully.

7th grade, the start of middle school for me, I didn’t have suicidal thoughts. But I remember one night I had an agrument with one of my friends in a group chat that all my other friends were in and we kept on going at each other for a while over text. I don’t remember why but all I know was I called him names and tried to get him to not be my friend. I don’t really include this suicidal but like a way to make myself never do it (a punishment in a way) but I took a pencil and carved the word “Jerk” in my arm. It was there for two weeks.

I’m now in 8th grade, my last year in middle school. And I haven’t thought of killing myself ever since the middle of 6th grade. I’m doing well and I have never harmed myself on purpose — besides my long nails accidentally scratching me.

My self esteem is still going up and down. Some days I’m confident and don’t care about mirrors and some days I want to wear a mask and hide in the bathroom for an hour.