Emotional and sexual needs unmet completely. Financially dependent and cannot leave. Once and a while you get a burst of confidence, despite the frigid wasteland of discontent and relational misery. You think, huh, I wonder if anyone would be interested in me. Maybe I should be careful and check. Turns out, plenty of people are interested.

If we had a less oppressive economic system, I'm pretty sure there would be less infidelity and unhappiness. I would be able to start my life over, build my sense of self, thrive, and take my sweet ass time finding real love that isn't hobbled together out of desperation and survival instinct.

Some general tips for my past self: -Don't fucking get involved with an asexual. You need someone to desire you. -If you aren't attracted to them, doesn't matter how sweet they are, just let it go. You aren't obligated to put chemistry aside, even if that chemistry is partly shaped by toxic beauty standards and capitalism. -Don't listen to the guilt tripping. If the feelings aren't there, they aren't there. -A frozen sexuality can be difficult to identify if they're committed to passing as fluid until you're emotionally attached. Set your limit prior to the relationship, perhaps 1x a month or less, and if it stays there despite voicing concerns just cut your losses and leave. It's a stamp of doom for you. -Do not tie finances together, always have an escape plan. -Finally, your love and care for a man should not cause you to sacrifice your life satisfaction. It doesn't matter how little you think of yourself, it's not worth it.

If you're listening, past me, heed this advice before you ruin what little self worth you had.