I live in a foreign country by myself and I pretty much have no chance of going home again, at least not any time soon. I have practically no friends here and I'm not good at the language. I've never felt so much isolation and bleakness for the future, and it's a situation nobody seems to understand because it's so bizarre. My depression has spiralled out of controlled and I've put on 35kgs in about a year. If I don't feel depressed I feel angry, there is no third option. I have to take care of my elderly mother who's practically demented and also depressed out of her mind, I almost feel she competes with me. My sibling does nothing to help and married into a rich family and living in a huge house and having kids, leaving me to do this on my own. I am a toxic human being and if you knew me you wouldn't like me as I am these days and I definitely don't like myself. I turned 31 today and I won't be leaving my apartment.

My life is in a mud pit and I fear by the time I'm able to free myself I will just be mud myself, not worthy to live outside of pits.