[Serious]Friends of suicide victims, how did their death affect you?

The plan was never to try something that wouldn't work, which is part of the reason I've held off thus far- I don't have ready access to a gun, and I'm not exactly read to put my head on a train track yet. But I've definitely taken the pragmatics into consideration.

I would definitely expect that if people told me what they really thought, much of it would revolve around how I'm argumentative and frustratingly semantic. Pedantic and pretentious are both words that are used to describe me.

The people who are very close to me would likely see and describe a more nuanced version of me, but there aren't a whole lot of people that fit that bill. I think the number of people that really know me is sub 5 these days.

Third, it just seems so impractical.

Here's the part that is largely driving the suicidal thoughts. I've had it (in force) since senior year of college, and it's only gotten worse in three years. With what I know about mental illness, it's not likely to simply get up and walk away. I know my obsessions aren't going anywhere, and they're a huge part of my depression. I genuinely think this is something that will be latched to my back for the rest of my life- and I don't say that from the perspective of a depressed person, I say that from an analytical perspective based on prior experience and the trend that brought me from point A to point B.

I do try to improve things- the comments I have saved, the sites I visit, the exercises I do (both mental and physical), the counseling and psychiatry- I try because I want to be better, but in three years, things have only gotten worse despite increased efforts to take control. I frankly don't know how anyone does this. I just want my brain to go dark once in a while; to shut off the lights and let there be silence, but I can't. It didn't used to be bad when my concerns were purely social, but now they're social and existential, and the combination and the obsessions over both just weigh on me to an extent that I don't know how to deal with.

I'm definitely my own worst enemy. My brain doesn't stop thinking- I can't stop obsessing about every little situation and possibility that's negative. I can't stop obsessing about the things I do wrong, what other people must think of me, whether or not I'll ever remember what it's like to smile and just be... calm. And it's easy to say of course I will, but the world isn't always that fair. I'm a burden on myself first and foremost.

I just want to go to sleep and stay asleep. I want to give myself more time, but I don't want to find some marginal life upgrade that convinces me to keep going in mediocrity and mild sadness instead of despair. I want out while I have the strength to get out. If I can't take control of my life and my brain through conventional means, I at least want to know it's my power to end it.

I do appreciate that you were willing to trudge through my internet footprint to learn about me. That means a lot to me (though I spent about 20 minutes trying to determine how on earth I knew you after spotting the first line and last paragraph)

It's not that I think the world will be a better place without me or that it will be a worse place without me. I do think I would save potential future romantic interests the grief of being with someone certifiably insane, but that's another story.

It's more that I would be better off without me.

/r/AskReddit Thread Parent