[serious] How are your feeling Reddit?

Alright I'm on a PC now so this should all come out easier. As a side note, I'll probably x-post this to /r/offmychest or something, because I've been needing to get this out for years.

Okay, we're in the 8th grade, and my Uncle C Snr. dies of a brain hemorrhage, caused by the final stages of the AIDS virus. He apparently got HIV from shooting heroin years ago, and this was just a fucking blow to the gut. I've never had anybody close to me in my life die before, and it was terrible. I could probably write pages about that day, because I remember everything, not just the hospital visit, but EVERYTHING about that day so clearly it actually scares me. I remember what was on TV in the small, cramped waiting room(This was September 12th btw, and there was a forest fire raging in NJ at the time.) I could tell you how he went into cardiac arrest 7 fucking times and still came back. I could tell you how the doctors said he'd be fine, and we could finally go home. I could tell you how I put on impractical jokers(It was a thursday and new episodes were coming out)to clear my mind of this ordeal and laugh. I could tell you how my aunt Michelle called my mom, how I heard her shoot up from the couch, scream "WHAT" and start crying.

So much happened in these two weeks, it's crazy. My mom had just bought her first house, only one in our entire family to do so, and we were having C Snr's kids help us move it and paint and stuff. We had to move in two days after the funeral and I'm chuckling right now thinking about the absolute absurdity of it. GTA V came out the day of the funeral, and I remember begging my mom to buy it for me. I actually did get it the day after the funeral(Burial and funeral took place over two days)I played the shit out of that game, and I'd be lying if I didn't say it wasn't a stress reliever to see Los Santos pedestrians being run over in a car.

A note on the funeral, this was a family reunion of sorts, since my Cousin Greg's "Wife"(Not really married but honestly might as well have been, they had two beautiful little girls, my second cousins who I'd kill for, Lila and Erica)and my Aunt's "Husband"(Man who I consider my uncle, Michael) had an affair with each other, This split the family up, since they both were considered family in all but blood, and people started taking sides. My Cousin tells me he's sorry, for what I'm not sure(Probably for not seeing me for like 6 months)and all is well.

Anyways, in the funeral, J and her Daughter Ashley come over to pay their respects.

Now, I hadn't seen much of Ashley, since she was off doing her own thing most of the time, and my older cousin Lincoln always made jokes about me having a crush on her when we were little.(Our moms and the Couple they met together, (who I just realized I have named, so I'll call D&M) used to always go on vacations together, so I'd always be playing games with her, with me usually doing shit like saving her from the evil wizard that was my brother and carrying her out of the pool, which was lava ofc. I don't know, stupid kid shit) I of course, always denied having a crush on her, and still did. Ashley is kind of tom boyish, and she doesn't really give a fuck, but if she did, she didn't show it. But now, after 15 years of knowing her, I look at her for the first time as a woman, and, well, not to be weird, but, notice her, in ways I hadn't before.

I'm a bit self aware, and I knew it was pretty much because I was hitting puberty and getting more attracted to girls, and she was hitting it and getting more attractive to me, so I said to myself, "Well, yeah, she's hot, but that's really neither here nor there sport" and went on my way. But after a while, I couldn't get her out of my head, until I realized that, goddamnit Lincoln was right. I have a huge crush on this girl, goddamn I might even be falling for her, but I won't let it, I'll learn to control it. And so I did. For all of 4 hours.

Now, away from girls for a minute and back into the stressed out part that makes me dizzy just writing, so I'll make it REALLY brief with bullet points, all in chronological order, and to show you the parts that are still stressing me out, and add "+1 stress" or something like that. So,..

  • Noana takes older man in our building under her care after he goes to the hospital since he has dementia. She transfers all his money(Lets say just under 1 million, which is A LOT if you didn't know) into her account

  • This creates a rift in the family, and at the time of the funeral, nobody can really afford it, and my side and C Snr's side of the family kind of empty out our pockets trying to pay for the funeral. He doesn't have a headstone on his grave over 2 years later. +1 Stress

  • My moms best friend doesn't show up to the funeral, since she "doesn't like to see dead people", and my mom goes no contact with her, which means I don't see her daughter Cat, who was one of my best friends, pretty much ever again. +1 Stress

  • Since there is a rift in my family over money, and my mom just bought a house she can barely afford, she obviously asks her younger sister Noana for money. Noana says no, and we go no contact with her, my Grandmother, Uncle Brandon, and Uncle Michael for over 6 months, We see them again, and then go over 1 year of no contact, of which this just ended 2 weeks ago, +4 Stress

  • I go from being a student getting 80's, to missing almost 50 days of school, getting 65's(just passing here in America), and getting ACS called on my house because the school believed I was getting "Educationally Neglected" by my mother(She tried to make me go, I lied...) +2 Stress

  • Finally go back to school, first year of high school now, I stop going for about 11 weeks straight, get a therapist, and end up going back, and never missed a day for the rest of the year. Had to go to summer school since I failed Algebra, but other than that it pretty much didn't effect me academically at all.

  • During the end of the school year, I realize this girl I knew since 6th grade,(you might remember her, Kristen) is pretty good looking at this point. However, my best friend is also best friends with her, and tells me about how he loves her and shit, so I back off, but start getting friendly with her(Subconsciously I swear to god, I never did anything with the intention of getting with her ever). But it still sucked having a crush on somebody I couldn't make a move on. +1 Stress

  • During summer school, I have the same Algebra class wit her, so we start talking, Her and my best friend Hank go no contact, since he asked to take her virginity(You tried bro, I'll give ya' that)and he starts harassing her online. She thinks its me, and starts getting really distant. One day, I tell Hank a joke that somebody said to(and my exact words)a girl in class, and he asked if it was Kristen. I said yes, and she sends him all these nasty texts about me, saying how I'm creepy, we should jerk each other off, blah blah blah. +2 stress

  • This INSTANTLY kills any affection I have for her, and now we're at the start of this year. I have like 3 classes with her, haven't said a word yet. They're apparently all buddy buddy know, and this pisses me the fuck off. I've told him repeatedly how much it bother me that he's talking to her, but honestly I'm not his father and I can't control who he talks to. But I'm sure as hell allowed to be pissed about it. +2 stress

  • My mom is now poor, I've been rematching the same 5 pairs of clothes for the past year, and I'm bordering morbidly obese BMI(Although honestly, I don't look it. I'm really trying not to sound full of myself, but I know I'm at least decently attractive. My father and mother were at my age, and I look like them, and I get my fair share of attention.)so I'm dieting to lose weight. It makes me irritable, and she just did a really big cosmetic thing for the house that's gonna make us pretty much on a very tight budget for the next few months. I asked her to just wait until after she got her holiday bonus and income tax to pay it off in one fell swoop without taking a loan, since we weren't even going to use the repair until the summer anyways, but since I'm her child, anything I said is pretty much null. We're always fighting, my brother always steps in, and it's starting to get physical. Earlier this night we got into a fist fight and I tore up a 5$ we really needed and just sat there crying because we could've bought food with that money but now we can't because of my stupidity and anger. +4 Stress

  • I keep on devising ways to get with Ashley, and I have these sudden moments of clarity where I realize I'm trying to become a boyfriend to one of my lifelong friends, and I feel sick to my stomach. But I can't help wanting to be with her. I even start imagining romantic places to go with her and other sappy stuff haha. it's corny I know, but I really just want to be with her. But I feel like the situation is literally zero difference from the one with Hank and Kristen, since they were both life long friends as well. I still haven't made a move yet. +1 Stress

    So that's pretty much it. If there's any questions I'll answer I guess. I'm sure I left out one or two small things, but I'll probably post this to /r/offmychest of /r/confession sooner or later so I'll add it then if anything. Thank's for reading if you made it this far!

TL;DR: Teenage life is strange and I have a superiority complex and I fear getting Nice guy syndrome. Life went to shit after death of family member.

/r/AskReddit Thread Parent