When I had to move to Brazil I started feeling suicidal and depressed here. The only reason I didn’t was for my son and husband and didn’t want them feeling like it was their fault...and half the reason was because I thought I was already a shit mom and that would be the ultimate shit move. The only way I could think of getting away with it without them knowing it was a suicide was to drown in the ocean and I’m to petrified of the ocean to go through with it.

I’d have missed my son actually acclimating well to his new school, watching him thrive and make new friends. Supporting my husband when he found out his father had cancer. Finding out my favorite books are now going to be a tv series so now I’m looking forward to seeing that. My sons first loose tooth. To see my mother in law actually treat me like family and kind instead of like the boil on her sons butt that she has to tolerate. For months I still waited for the shoe to drop but it looks like after 10+ years hell has frozen over and she actually is kind and makes dished I like and talks to much just to talk and Let’s me cook in her kitchen. It’s half the reason I dreaded coming back here.

I’ve started trying to find something every day that will make me happy and do it, renovating my kitchen to how I want it. Getting my hands dirty, painting a wall, going for a walk and appreciating that most people would kill to see the beauty of Brazil. I’ve also decided to get over my embarrassment of how badly I speak and stupid I am with learning languages and just throw out whatever I have in my brain at people to try and have a conversation. And you know what, it’s not so bad, most get me and slowly but surely I’m actually able to hold conversation and understand a little more as time goes by. And the world didn’t open out and swallow me at my first mistake.

I’m Also trying to make myself find things my son and I can bond over and enjoy with him. I have found I love to read outloud to him so we do that before bedtime and we’ve gotten through all the Harry Potter books and now am trying to find a new series for us. We draw and color and paint l. He also loves helping me cook in the kitchen. I’m not really good at the playing with the toys and making scenes and stories but my husband loves it so I’ve just gotten used to that it’s just a shortcoming of mine and I can do other things. I really wish I liked doing those things but god it’s so boring.

Oh well fake it till you make it is basically my new way of life. Eventually I did start enjoying these things and I’m out of the funk. In the end I’m glad I didn’t do it, and to anyone who is thinking about it. Just baby step one day at a time, choose one thing that you’d think you might enjoy and just do it. And even if you aren’t enjoying it as you’d think, fake it. And tell yourself you are. And choose another and another until you find something that is making you enjoy it. And go from there. But start putting yourself first and don’t put it off because you have other things to do or get done. You are important.