Hmm. Well, fuck a throwaway as this is a new account and I'm done being quiet. Will I tell a stranger I meet? Absolutely not. Hell, some of my best friends don't even know. That being said, I'm more open to analyzing it.
I wasn't raped, per say. I would say I was fondled, more or less, by a pubescent teenage boy, maybe 16 or so, when I was about six or seven. It happened a few times. For a very long time, I didn't think much of it. As I get older, I feel as though the mark it left on me became more apparent.
I'm prone to substance abuse now. Have been for years. I was a big drunk for about ten years straight (16-26). I drank almost constantly, but I was high functioning. I did lots of drugs too. I still drink, maybe a bit too much, but not nearly as much as I once did. I kinda grew out of drugs.
Through therapy I realized I was more or less trying to avoid/escape myself. I had trouble looking at myself honestly. As a young man, I was awkward around women. Currently, I have no issues picking up women, having one night stands, etc. I even currently have a girlfriend, but that's where the problem starts. I have issues with intimacy. It's hard for me to let someone in. It's hard for me to be dominant in the bedroom. It's hard for me to think that sex, in one way or another with a woman I love, is okay, if that makes any sense? I have what I consider to be a somewhat healthy sex life, but I've never been as sexually motivated as my partners. It sucks, because it leads them to feel undesired. It hurts me, and it's all because some asshole hurt me before I could even realize what happened.
I have my confidence issues. I often have to struggle with the feeling that I am not "normal". In no way is my life horribly difficult, I suppose, but it is indeed a bit more complicated I guess. My sense of self, I think, and what it means to be a man, were the most damaged by the experiences I went through. I worry that I'll never be "normal" and I'll always disappoint my partners because of what I went through. I'll always have some baggage, that no matter how hard I try to convince myself of otherwise, I'll always be ashamed of.
I guess what most people don't realize is that it's just as damaging for men. It's just as haunting. It has altered who I am way more than I am comfortable with. But what can I do about it now? Learn to accept it and try to work past it, I guess, and hopefully one day I can.
I also wish it was taken more seriously. I've got legit mental disorders now, and while they aren't too serious, they are absolutely the result of those incidences along with others (loss, etc, etc). I was robbed of something I'll never get back. Some parts of society won't take that loss seriously. So I often find myself asking what in the hell I'm supposed to do about it, and perhaps worse, how am I supposed to feel?
Therapy has done wonders for me personally. However, I realized once I got that ball rolling that there's so much damage and unhealthy behaviors I have to undo. When will it stop? When can I just be a "normal" fucking guy? I dunno.
I guess that's it..