Big wall of text incoming. But this thread is probably not being read anymore so I can safely tell this story. Anyway, thanks to the 1 or 2 people that feel like reading it anyway.
About 1.5 months ago I met a girl through a DnD Discord server. We happened to start in the same campaign, both 22 years old. I was bored and she needed a token for her character so I offered to take a look at it. Turned our pretty nice if I may say so myself. We started chatting pretty much 24/7, a few voice calls of which one was until 4 A.M. One day I asked her if she wanted to meet. Due to COVID there isn't much available to do, but she suggested meeting at my place to play some games and watch some series. Which to me was a humongous sign of trust to an internet stranger.
Those 1.5 months of nonstop texting (still through Discord) were possibly my happiest days of my life yet. I had a constant smile on my face and got butterflies everytime she texted me to talk. She is extremely smart, nice, caring, witty and beautiful. Some of the stuff I told her I probably never shared with anyone else.
Then came the day we met. I was nervous as fuck, but I thought it was amazing, she was everything I thought she was and maybe even more. I was in love with her, not the idea of her. We played some games, watched like 7 episodes of The Good Doctor and I cooked dinner. She was with me for literally the entire day. I legitimately had a feeling that we had a connection. She likes almost everything I like, we watch the same series and movies etc.
After that day we had 3 episodes left of the good doctor so I asked when we were going to finish them, obviously asking for a second of such days. She said she needed a few days to recover from being as social as she had been that week. I'm an introvert and don't like social happenings as they can be quite exhausting so I understood, no harm. She said she did want to do it again but wasn't sure if she could right now.
Then the next day, so 2 days after we met, I spotted her typing in discord (I always have discord opened on my second screen on the friendlist) and suddenly stopping and going offline. Im always curious so asked what was up. Then she told me she wanted to be just friends. Im pretty sure I'm in love with the girl so this struck me like lightning. I handled that poorly and in the conversation after I said some dumb things. Not straight up insulting things, but I was confused and wanted clarification.
I was afraid of ruining things even further as I absolutely don't want to lose her, even as a friend. So I stayed quite during the weekend and only talked to her on sunday during a F1 race as it was something we both watch. It was also recommended by a buddy of mine to give her some space after my own fuckup. I discussed with the guy that I was terribly afraid that I ruined things permanently and that even our friendship was dieing, if not already dead. He said it was indeed that bad, but that she still wanted to talk to me. But that she was also afraid of giving me a false sense of hope that she would start liking me later on. I know when to concede defeat and that moment had passed. She doesn't like me, she won't like me and that is okay. Well, I talked to her about it and guaranteed that I do not have any hopes anymore. After that we talked pretty normally.
The biggest problem is that I realised our conversations won't ever be going back to the way they were. And that hurts. A lot. I've had the most miserable week of my life, not only due to this, but also other things. And half of it I can't talk to her about anymore. I tried and all I got was "Oof" and "Oh Jesus". So after that I realised things might be dead for good. Which is fine ofcourse, I mean, I said stupid stuff and hurt her so I don't deserve to be her friend anymore.
We still play in the same DnD campaign and the only reason I didn't leave is because that would probably hurt her even more than I already did. The campaign would probably collapse and stop running altogether. I want her to be happy. I want that now, I wanted that a month ago and I'll want that 5 years from now. If that's not with me, then so be it. But I also don't think I should be torturing myself by being reminded time after time of what could have been, because damn this girl is perfect to me. Currently the sense of not hurting her even more is much stronger than what I myself want, some call it simping but I call it being a decent person. I'm now going to stop being so attached to her and stop trying to talk to her all the time.
If I could change things, would I? I absolutely wouldn't change a thing I did until after the day we met. There were some dumb things I did and said (not only to her, but also things in public discord stuff that weighed in) and I would give a lot to be able to change those. Would that make her love me? No, certainly not. But it would've stopped me from hurting her and that is all I want to repair.
If you ever happen to stumble upon this message and actually read it, I'm sorry for what I did and please be happy in your life. You gave me the most amazing 1.5 months of my life and I'm grateful for that. I'm sorry I let it end in such a way. I'll most definitely be right here if you ever need me :) Kind regards, Rylanzor.
Tl;dr Cliché story of unanswered love, did stupid thing, friendship probably ruined, life sucks.