First off, I am not going to tell you to not try to kill yourself but I am not telling you to pursue your suicide either. I'm just going to share my similar experience.

There was a time when everything wasn't just going right in my life. My family was chaotic. No, chaotic was an understatement. Chaotic is what you would call a family who throws plates and kitchen utensils at each other - well, it took us years, but we got way past over that. This is what I grew up to. A family member was an alcoholic, there was a point death threats were made. Hell, there was even a time when huge pair of kitchen scissors was inches away from another family member's throat.

In addition to that, I felt like my friends didn't care enough, I felt like my boyfriend didn't deserve me for the sole reason that my family was so fucked up. Eventually, I developed more self-hating - I despised myself for my weight (which was pretty average at that time) and I loathed myself for my acne. Basically, I just wanted to die because that was the easiest option to run away from everything.

I told my boyfriend about my wanting to kill myself. I told him I was sorry and I showed him my scars. This will sound absurd but I was expecting him to pity me, to have mercy and just let me commit suicide. Obviously, I was wrong. He was fucking furious. He wouldn't talk to me properly for days. It hurt so much but he explained to me that I was being selfish. I thought, "what the fuck? I'm the one being selfish? Really, who's stopping me from getting away from all this bullshit?" He told me I was selfish because I'm just going to add another burden to my family. Death threats, an alcoholic family member, and a teenager who committed a suicide.

He told me to imagine my mother finding me dead and that's what got me to dismiss all my suicidal thoughts. I just love my mother so much and I don't think she would handle it very well if she sees me in that state. She's suffered so much, sacrificed so much, endured so much.

Of course, I still think about what happens if my family member who was a former alcoholic goes back to drinking again. I think about it every single day.