I contemplated a throwaway here, but I'm advising myself against it like many others.
I was in the Army, and sent to Korea in 2013. Having just gotten to the new unit, I wanted to make a good impression on the soldiers and I was on track to be promoted to sergeant. Shortly after I got to Korea, the unit was going to the field and I was to be in charge of a small squad (my platoon sergeant was grooming me for sergeant here).
Right before the mission, a young lady about the age of 15 reaches out to me on facebook. This young lady was actually my father's grandchild, and was under his and my mother-in-laws care because her family passed away when she was quite young. She told me that she had been looking for me for awhile, that she thought it might be a good idea for me to reach out to my father. She told me he had been drinking heavily and he missed me and talked about me all the time.
Some background information is due here. My father and mother divorced when I was young. Up until about 13 he was the weekend warrior dad, I loved him dearly. Eventually, after he retired after 20 years in the Navy, he moved on across the country to teach what he did in the military as a DOD civilian. This is about the time we started losing touch. I visited him that summer and had an amazing time. The second summer, was much darker. He had been drinking a lot, too much. I didn't know it at the time, but he would tell me to close my eyes, as he threw back those Jack Daniels mini shots in the car. There were many times that summer he would pass out on the couch, drunk, not having cooked supper, or eaten all of it having me fend for myself. Of course that isn't the worst thing in the world, but at the time I didn't know how to cook, I had never been expected to. I felt lonely then, like my father wasn't really there. One day near that summers end, my father asked me to stay with him for good. He said that I had been with my mother my entire life, and I have the option to stay with him so long as it was what I wanted. He told me he needed me to help curtail his drinking. I thought the next day about it, but I knew I couldn't stay. My old man was pretty far down the bottle, and I didn't know how to take care of myself. I told him I couldn't do it and I saw the heartbreak in his eyes as I left him in the airport.
That marked the last time I talked to my father. Truth is, I could have reached out to him and he could have done the same. I just knew he was ashamed of himself, so he didn't do it first. And for some reason I was mad at him. Don't ask me why, I just was. Fast-forward to when I was 17, I joined the Army as an air traffic controller. My mother called and told him, but he was mad I joined the Army and not the Navy. She found out he lost his job with the DOD for being drunk on duty. She withheld this information from me for many years.
Fast-forward again now to 2013. That young lady reached out to me and asked me to talk to my father. I said yes, setting up a date and time for a Skype date that was the day before the field mission. When it came time to call him, I couldn't do it. After all those years I didn't know what to say to him. I told myself I needed to be sharp for this mission, being new and all, and I could call him when I got back.
We drive out to the mission site, and starting setting up our equipment. During set up, a car pulls up. A chaplain, my platoon sergeant, and commander get out of it. Immediately when I saw this I knew something was wrong. They pulled me aside and told me they got a red cross message saying my father passed away. I knew what happened then. I said no, I didn't need emergency leave, that I was going to stay and complete the mission. Everyone in that room was perplexed. My face said stern, and ready to complete the mission, the tears running down my face told a whole other story. My platoon sergeant talked me into going to the funeral. He told me that if I went and regretted it, it wouldn't equate to not going and regretting it. So I went under his advice, and to this day I'm thankful I did.
I fly to Tennessee for the funeral. His then wife decided to have an open casket for me to see my father. It was at this point I learned my father shot himself in the head with a pistol in front of the police station. He didn't leave a note. When I walked into the funeral home and saw him in the casket, it took my breath away. They did their best hiding the wound, but you could see it. Behind that my father looked aged, like a ghost of the man I knew. He fingers and hands were exactly as I remember them though, big, and calloused. I held it together there, and I knew everyone's eyes were on me that day.
The following day was the actual ceremony. He received military honors because of his service, and they brought out the naval band for him about him in uniform. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't in my Class A uniform because it was still in transit to Korea, but I was wearing my ACUs. This is where it got hard. As the hearst passed by, I rendered a salute to my father. Long, and slow, I felt the lump in my throat tightening. The chaplain then said his speech, none of which I remember, primarily because my mind was elsewhere, thinking about my father.
I was sitting in the front row when TAPS started. I went to attention and rendered my salute. I could see the band players, and the chaplain staring at me. But somewhere in that moment, I heard my father's voice. I held the salute, but I broke down harder than I ever have in my entire adult life. I felt the tears coming, and I just let them flow. I heard the sobs of everyone behind me, but I refused to look at them and let them see me in this state. I left Tennessee for Korea the next day having no regrets I went.
After that is a blur, I slipped into depression. I started drinking too much and isolating myself. I stopped doing PT. I ended up failing multiple PT tests and got separated from the Army.
My wife helped me get my life back together. I'm an Air Traffic Controller now for the FAA. I love my job, and I'm good at it. I couldn't imagine doing anything else in the world.
The part that kills me the most to this day is that I believe I may have been able to deter my father from it. Had I made the call and talked about grabbing a beer some time I just know he wouldn't have done it. I carry that now, every day, and I can't let it go. I miss my father. I have a brand new daughter and wife now. More than anything in this world I wished he was here to see her. She's my world, and I know she would have been his too.
I'm sorry Dad. I know I let you down. I'm not mad at you anymore.