Some weird shit is going on with me right now. I am 25 and have never actually fell in love, i mean i had girlfriends and had feelings for them, but nothing close to what i'm having now. This is something really strong and i feel vulnerable. Everything is perfect about my current gf (of 1.5 months), she is nice, has good sense of humor, beyond beautiful etc, and we spent nearly all time together since we met, that looks like a total match. But there is a huge fucking catch about all of this. Not long ago (about 3-4 months from now) her previous BF (of 3 years) broke up with her pretty badly and dirty, and i am just not sure she completely got over it. I mean when we get drunk on the weekends, she drinks like she has a huge hole in her soul, and she told me a few times (while drunk) that she can't understand whether she loves me or not which actually really hurt, because i am doing everything i can to be the only one for her, and at the same time,i just can't blame her for that. So in the morning she is a different person again and everything becomes fine again. I know, that when u are drunk - u speak from your heart and that makes me fucking sad.

Recently, a friend of hers invited both of us to play poker with some drinks at her place, and when we came there turned out her friend invited her Ex BF as a "surprise". My gf felt really uncomfortable at the beginning and felt nervous about the whole situation, but i handled that the best way i could. I went to talk to him right away (no harm or anything, just wanted to show i felt comfortable and i am not afraid of that dude), i showed self confidence, won the poker game, was nice and funny and looked like she was really proud of me and finally saw the difference between two of us when we were near. But then she got blacked out again, and started to freak out, do strange shit, smoke a lot of cigarettes etc and told me something like she "still can't decide" or whatever. I felt fucking broke at that point, we went home with her and went to sleep. In the morning, she appologized for getting drunk again and said she was really proud of me and loved for how i handled the evening and the whole situation. Looks like she just doesn't remember what she said again. I mean, i just can't understand. Either I am a huge retard for believing her, and I always will be #2 in her book, which i would not be able to do, OR it is fine and she just needs more time to completely get over her ex and to trust a new guy again after such a huge fuck up. I am afraid to lose my girlfriend for the first time in my life.

Thanks for letting me write my heart out, because i am not used to talk about my feelings. I feel a bit better.