It messes with your head for the rest of your life, even when you've gone to therapy, even when you try your best to be "normal", the fact is that you were never allowed to develop normally, so you can't be normal. Thankfully, I've only had serious relationships with men who genuinely cared for my happiness and worked around my anxiety and fear.

You can never get rid of that nagging asshole voice in the back of your head that constantly reminds you that if your mom/dad did that to you, anyone is capable. And the reason that it doesn't go away is that society constantly reminds you that no one loves you the way a mom or dad does (especially) a mom. So when that person is the one that left scars so deep that you're intrinsically "broken" the hope of having a sustained peace is so dim.

All that being said, I think with the amount of therapy I've had I'm pretty well adjusted and would be better if my mom didn't constantly say dumb-fuck things like, "I'd never abandon my kids for a man." She did. Twice. And one of those times I lived in a foster home for several years. "I'd never beat my kids." The fuck?? There wasn't anything in arms reach that I didn't get beat with. I could go on, but it seems to me that abusers that are reformed like to rewrite history to spare themselves the guilt and pain. Never mind that that's like twisting a knife into healed wounds and reopening them.

Because I suffered the trifecta of abuse: physical, mental and emotional I have to try extra hard to hide my pain/fear/anxiety. As a result I'm pretty aloof and only only a few people close to me because I'm incapable of trusting people easily and it takes forever for anyone to get close to me. But the people who really know me know that I'm extremely loyal and loving, everyone thinks I'm cold. And I prefer it that way.