my mother was a prostitute...
well before she met my father..
and after he died..
she became a junkie whore
Being a son was something of a crime
any sort of masculinity was surely a sign that Id grow up to be a rapist piece of shit...her preference was to give me time to reflect on my behavior...by locking me under the basement stairs for a few days.
Her cuckold, my stepfather, was a dim witted stooge....but was very creative in the variety of methods he employed in the name of discipline. Ive been beat bloody with everything from a belt to a CB antenna. Ive got burn scars..electrical and thermal. Ive no clue how many fractured bones Ive had. It wasnt until years later when I showed up with a pregnant wife that I found out that he had thought I was gay...and was, in his mind anyway, trying to man me up all those times he beat the crap out of me.
I never fought back....I just took it...and something in me broke along the way....after awhile...it got to a point where nothing they did mattered...I couldnt feel any of it...Id laugh while they were beating me and theyd just get more violent....till I stopped....or collapsed.
At 16, my stepdad was "having words" with me...and something just snapped....and I fought back. It took 4 months for the cops to reel me in 1200 miles from home. I was initially looking at being charged as an adult for attempted manslaughter, unauthorized use of a movable, evasion, and resisting arrest...they were talking around 25 years.
Fortunately, I got a young public defender who still gave a shit. During our initial interview he, unlike years of social workers who had recommended returning me home when I had ran in the past, he saw more was going on....maybe it was me...maybe it was that I had stopped hiding the truth.
Well, the social workers evaluation made a big difference in things...That alone got me shifted back to juvenile court...then when my lawyer showed photos and xrays to the court...
They threw out the attempted manslaughter charge. My lawyer was able to show that I had paid for the car, its insurance, and every bit of upkeep....and that it was only in my stepfathers name because he wouldnt allow me to have it in my own. So they dropped the unauthorized use charge.
I ended up doing 6 months in juvenile detention on charges of evasion and resisting, released on my 18th birthday.
In the 22 years since....Ive been homeless, married, a parent, divorced, a single parent, and hurricane displaced.
Ive been single and celibate 12 of the past 17 years. I cant have healthy relationships with women....I can only have twisted obsessive love affairs with crazy messed up tragic women who get sick of me and leave as soon as they get their shit together.
As a single father, seeing that is my pattern....Ive chosen to just be alone and raise my daughters. I want them to grow up to be better than the examples I would be giving them.
Im 40 now...they are graduating in a few weeks. I guess its time to get back out there.